2003-03-19 @ 1:41 a.m.
Grr! im still awake at 2:30am!!!

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Love: its very hard to deal wit... makes me nervous for sure

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so im up, it almost 2am.. christina will be calling in less than 6 hours... im in one of those "lets question the security of my life" moods...

it started with a fairly innocent daydream.. another time-travel fix the past one... and, of course, one of the main prequetise for time-travel is Death. grr

now im awake, very awake

but i wanna talk to christina, IRL... mainly cuz the answer isnt what she'll say, but what she'll do.. its the surprize kinda.. bu tits not really surprizing

grr grr grr

i havnt won yet, and that pisses me off... because to win, well, theres alot out of my control... and of course, my lil tiny speck of power in this universe isnt working, and intrusting my will to God isnt working fast enough *im impatient* so im gonna get smote, or at least im asking for it... grr

basically feeling guilty for what i did to jill.

things would be perfect now. they would have bein perfect months ago.

instead, they on-course to perfect, but arent actually -there- yet...

maby i expect too much from life?

and im very sure it has something to do with the new-jill in ohio... altho im not sure how

*stops, gasps*

maby -she- is the true zombie queen? maby she is the center of evil n corruption in this world? shes using her evil zombie-powers to cloud my judgement and make me feel bad for her peril.. maby none of that happend, or if it did, it was different than her version? ... or maby its 2am and i havnt gotten enough sleep for 2 days now

i need to find a solution, a cure, a fix......

i mean, Christina seems to be that.. but then agin, christina is like 7-10 miles away and is grounded until... well.. some tyme thats not close! .. and it like using penicilin on the flu? grr'ness

trm, im determined, seeing christina. but i dunno... its hard to explain this feeling, this thought... this future-bound-hopelessness from far away.. it always bein there.. maby its my own doubt, maby its something more?

christina mentiond God in an entry... its kinda funny, cuz i giggled, but also felt jealous. its funny, i dont wanna share God. *lolz* but, i think thats my mission, my reason for winning... of course, it also kinda mkaes me feel lame, cuz if that my only reason for winning... well, thatd suck

****bites off nails****

im nervous about trm... grr

browsing Alkaline Trio lyrics...

if i see her, im gonna end up kissing her

and if i kiss her.. well... plenty of reason to be nervous!

***hates being like this, will hate taking a shower trm and getting shampoo in where my fingernail used to be***

i pay for everything twice it seems

grr'ness

i need sleep... seriously.. i need sleep

grr!

*curls up around Christinas feet and sleeps*

-0ut

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