2002-07-13 @ 4:31 a.m.
I, People - *fscking idiot*

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So then I kick Michael in his face. He screams, running towards his mommy n his dog, the only two things he feels can protect him. What he didnt kno was the dog was outside, and his mother was already taken care of...

Bonnie *the dog* hears his screams, she barks more fervently than ever before, tearing n gnawing at the stacco walls separating her from him ...

The machete swings nicer indoors than I expected, One clean swing thru his side. He reached down, touched his hand to his side. Once he actually saw his blood... and I thought he was screaming earlyer? Well, Im not a peticularly patient person, nor am I very tolerant of noise, so one more swing shuts him up.

Now im on his computer, its logged online fer the very first tyme, emailing, n stuff .. so coolies!1

Obviously, nothing but the last line happened, he wanted to be online, he asked mom, i hooked it up, and in return, i get to jack on till i feel like sleeping .. sweet deal!

I d/l'ed Yahoo!, Aim... checked my hotmail acct.. talked to Emma n Becky ...

Becky has been sad, since this guy she likes, going out with .. she doesnt really feel romanmtic with him, n he doesnt seem to feel the same way .. me, having no obvious experence, couldnt help *im sorries!!* ... but hopefully things will work out fer the best :D

*back* I had to show the evil-ice-holdy-makey-thing a new meaning of fear.. I needed my water -cold-....

so anyways, i hav rants....

Im gonna start with the one that for some reason unknown to me I entitled "I, People"

"I, People:"

the only thing that I can think was my motive for that name was cuz the rant iz how I deal with people... like, I usually change n conform to make everyone else around me happy.. im afraid if I dont they wont like me, plus its automatic, i rarely even notice im doing it... whenever im typing to you *if I hav typed to you before* ill usually tell you whatever i think you want to hear... Its really hard not too... but at the same tyme im never lieing.. i do mean what I say..??? it doesnt make sense, but its true, i want everyone around me happy, everyone to love me... i feel bad when ppl i like are sad... i want to help... i feel lame when I cant.. and, fer some odd reason, I feel obsolete when everyone is happy... Which leads me to think... i do hav alot of friends who seem to hav alot of problems... Like im looking for them... Maby why meeting ppl on diaryland was so fun.. Why i usually skippd the boring, normal, or happy diarys... Im looking for people that I can please..??? Now, to move away from generalizations... Emma, she has a few, but none really apparent... I think she has a self-image one, thats the only explaination for most of her actions, like why she counts calories n thinks im cool... Lacey, omg! I fear her life! ... Somebody would'a gotten a very unhappy me putting somethin sharp between their ribbs by now... I dont hav anything close to the internal-fortitude to deal with her life... Jill said somethin along those same lines strangely enough, tho at the tyme I disregarded it because shes a jealous bitch *In the nicest sense of the term* ... shes said that Lacey was only even talking to me because of the ego-support I gave, and that she only had that kind of life, she didnt fix things fer herself because she liked the attention. Well, im not going to speculate on Laceys life, im not there, but what I do know is that I was hooked, that on a daily basis I had the chance to make her life better, or at least, a lil more tolerable. Becky kinda follows those same lines, she doesnt hav a perfect life, and as always, I really do enjoy fixing pplz problems, having them like me at least fer trying, etc... Jill was, of course, the same way.. but she was stubborn, never let me help, never took my advice, never cared... she put herself in her position and refused to leave. Thats why I got so frustrated with her, with our relationship, with everything... Most of my other friends hav issues of some kind, and i always seem to be a nice fit, a nice way to deal or cope, even tho its always off-topic-style... Basically, I am out to please others, thats what drives me.. there was an archetype *Vtm* ... 'Praise-seeker' ... it meant the character would do nearly anything it was told in order to get praise, to be loved an accepted.. dependant on external emotional support... Jill always made fun of me... .. this explains alot of the why-n-how of my actions, especially recently... Why i couldnt turn my back on Lacey, why im becoming so enthralled with Emma... well, i hav no clue how exactly this will influence my life, but im gonna try n stay away from my friends, they use me alot, for laughs tho, since they kno im poor... *Lost train of thought-feels done*

second rant... err... i kinda dun wanna... ill post, then decide :P

-0ut

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