2002-07-03 @ 3:18 a.m.
Jillian, How I loved you?

*~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ >

*~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ >

Im back

Im gonna rant about Jill, or at least, the parts I feel comfortable about.

I was listening to "Music of the Night" and that cry-reflex was triggered... I was gonna sing "Angel of Music" as a duet with her at some point ... Was.

It all started summer after freshman year. The Group, My posse had just form. Jon, Jordan, Kiel, Jeff. It was the week beofre summer skoo, we went to kiels house, for me the first tyme. Thats when i saw Jill, DJ, and Jana... My first thought, the first thing that ran thru my mind, I look Jill up-n-down, and thought "That'd be nice" ... *irl lol'ing* during summer skoo, my "need a g/f" impluse was reaching its lifetyme-peak, which bascially means i was putting out the "desparate" pheramone, no chicks would come within 10 ft of me ... in retrospect, it was kinda funny .. back then it was harsh. I started flinting lotz wit Jill .. she got the main chunk of it, because I saw her the most... Then, Darrel came back.. her b/f, he'd bein that fer awile. This Was My First Victory. we barely tolarated each other presence for about 2 or 3 weeks, then he left to go back to whatever rock he crawled out from .. during that tme he n jill had their first kiss. From Jill's statement-->"It was like two slugs crawling over my lips" .... so anyways, I won by Forfeit, and that jus meant i had to makes up for 2-3 lost weeks... there was this water fight, it ended up girls vs. boys ... 2 against 4 ... not fair, Jill n Jana were totally out-matched. So in a Gallant effort, I switched teams. Bad idea, but it served the purpose.. we lost, jeff tryed to steal our large-high-power gun.. i ran up behind him, grabbed both ends and choked him with it.. the first, last, and only tymes iv used full-force on a frined ... he was very un-coolies bout that... i think i really hurt him, and hes is/was much stronger than me... that day *says Jill* was the day she really started to want me... I got to see Jill in a bathing suit running around, sweet!... so anywayz, this whole thing kept up, skoo started agin, and I got turned down by every girl i liked from the year before ... it was a similar predicament as current, but im a different person, and I hav no one lined up like this *As Far As I Know ;) I didnt kno jill liked me like that till about a year later* so anyways, on that 8th, i was talking to her on the phone.. and i asked "Would you go out with me if I asked??" ... shes sayd "I dont know? maby?" we played that game fer 15 minz ... she didnt want to say "Yes" cuz she wasnt sure if i meant it, she didnt to feel dumb if i didnt mean it ... so finally im all like "Ok, Then Im asking you now, Will you go out with me??" .. "*giggles* Yes!" ... at this point im in shock.. i thought the game was cuz she wanted to say No w/o pissin me off ... so im like "So its official, your my g/f??" ... "Yeah, duh!!" .... a few days later, we were hanging out, we agree'd not to tell her parent, since they'd trip out about it, she was only 13, i was 15, and yea.... I wanted to kiss... It was very hard for me to ask/suggest this, since she was my first real g/f .. i was 15 ... she said we should wait until after about a week... so like clockwork, after that week, i corner her agin, its so hard to get out, but i manage to suggest/ask fer a kis .. she agrees ... so then we stare at each other fer 5 minz ... I say "Err... im new at this, could you kiss me?" so she did ... OMG! ... It was magic. I feel very lame and cliche'd saying that, but fsck you! it was! it felt electric, my heart was pounding hard and fast... i got dizzy, everything went blurry .. the happyest part of the relationship ... OMFG! I almost fainted, i got really weak, my knee's especially ... she pulled back a bit, we jus gazed ionto each others eyes ... im not sure, but either that nite, or one of the following nites, i ask her on the phone "AM I a good kisser?" .. but i dont think i said it like that **fuzzy memory, fsck you*** cuz the answer was, between 1-10, 10 being super-coolies... she said "9" .. i almost fainted.. "Nnni...NiNe? --- "Yea" ... I was a nine? I told her a was expecting *and would hav bein grateful for* a '3' ... so at first we snuck around, kissed every now-n-then, once a day'ish ... a week or few later, someone listened in on a phone conversation... everyone knew now ... we did that awile ... in November, my self-esteem levels were exponencially higher than before sept.8th .. i thought I was good enough to get a better g/f, i broke up wit Jill ... I wasnt. We got back together in a week ... I was a very stupid lil kid... We started spending tyme together... finding every lil bit of tyme, fighting EVERYONE to stay together. It seemd like the world was out to end our relationship ... and it only brought us closer together. I am a supra-genius, able to out-wit many ppl in my sleep.. at once ... and so I fought her parent with a fervor and zeal no one had ever seen out of me, and that Jill had never thought possible **She felt bad about getting chore-money from her mom, "janene" and her mom inflicted alot of mental n physical abuse .. if fscking serious .. i would hav killed "janene" if she tryed that shit on me** so anyways, my martyr spirit loved this, my demons took control. They knew how to deal with this level of conflict.. and i was fine, cuz I got tyme wit Jill... I loved her SO much. .. My mom fought too, the only tyme i was supposed to get w. Jill was sitting n talking in the living-room ... fsck that! my mom knew how far me n Jill went, no one else did ... *gran walked in, i dont think anyone could hav blushed I did.. it hurt* ... she took Jill home imeditely if she saw me lounging, laying on my side, kissing Jill .... anything ... So, of course, I had to show her who she picked a fight with. I was fighting and uphill battle on two fronts. actually, it was more of a vertical-granite-cliff... but as I said, i hav at least 3 tymes the mental capacity as anyone I ever ever known, and every ounce went to Jill. we were winning, we spent hours upon hours together, only to then come to my house on some dayz to spend more tyme together ... and my mom was getting more and more lax, since i was costing her *purposely, at key points in tyme* both TV shows-time and lots of gas money... now its my Junioor year. me and Jill spend most of the day together at school, then spend the afternoon together, unless we spend more, altho that involved a fight.. more of our waking-hours were spent together than apart .... and i had no friends. that suckd... so i decide, since i usualy get kicked out at 5-5:30, i can go to jeffs... no prob, right? Jill got jealous of Jeff .. and Jeff was jealus of Jill .. i was in demand ... Jeff was alot easyer to spend tyme wit.. no fighting.. no trying, and lots of games to play!! ... this was the end of the relationship... i took anoher 6-10 months to figure it out tho ... what ended up happening was Jeff got sent to a recieving home, CPS took him n his siblings away from his parents... his dad was doing pot, his back was, like, gone.. Vicadin wasnt helping anymore .. pot did. Fuck The Governmentm they can suck my dogs ass. so Jeff was gone, Jill took his spot. He moved back .. but only cuz his granparent were gonna apodt him. turns out, since my mom is actually only my legal-guardian, she was equiped wit the background/paperwork to take Jeff in .. he could live wit us, instead of 40 miles away ... SWEETNESS! ... and Jill was pissed! we didnt get time alone anymore, and me n jeff spent alot of time, makin up fer lost time ... Jill got really controlling, got really jealous.. it was toio much .. so did Jeff, but not as much, and he was my first first **refers you to earlyier entrys, chronological order IZ THE ONLY ORDER!** so, one day, after my dad, ricky, most of my family has met Jill .. they all had the same apathetic comment "Shes a nice girl" .. and usually "You should prolly not make this too serious, date around more first..." everything came to this weird focal-point... I shifted into this Destiny-induced trance. I broke up with her. Said every word exactly the way It needed to be said to finish the job. Discovered *Tower of Iron Will* .... I told ppl about it too... everyone, i mean EVERYONE didnt believe it!! but they did ... so my life picked up where I left it, a year and 8 months before ... not good. i got a crash-course in human-decency n common-courtesy.. I was really fscked up... so was she, she loved me, too much. It was the worst, and best thing I had ever done. ... i also, laters, broke down ... summer agin, no one to test my newly emerging social-skillz on... so we kinda got back together.. we kisses n stuff... it was weird... we didnt tell anyone, but everyone knew. Everyone was out gainign Exp. adventures to the mall, everyone in the group was making friends everywhere .. i was with Jill ... I promised that when skoo started i wouldnt stop being her friend jus to get chicks... i kept to my promise! the whole year .. but anyways .. we kinda kept wit that, fer a really long tyme .. then stopped ... she got together with CJ, and she only did it to get back at me! seriously, every time she was pissed at me for somethin, shed flirt with CJ, tell him things like "Oh i guess i should stop hitting on you, since im not getting anywhere" and it just so happened, she was mad at me on the day he asked her out! ... she got pissed at me fer the same stupid reasons as before i broke up wit her, I was wit friends instead of her. Well, CJ taught her a lesson. Im not the worst b/f she could hav had.. she dumped him after.. awile? she try'd me .. things were iffy, cuz i weanted to, but didnt cuz of CJ, plus i was really starting to really fall in love with Lacey ... she did, but didnt cuz she couldnt trust me, she was afraid that during college she'd get ditched. she knew my reputation would be gone, only the new, more socially-skilld me would be there ... so basically, we stayd friends. Near the end of the skoo-year .. i had friends EVERYWHERe! .. a very full yearbook to prove it... i was popular, more popular than some of the ppl who hung out wit the popular ppl ... and me n Jill were really good friends, watchin out fer each other on the dating scene, we had an alliance. It broke down, our plans werent working, we werent getting things accomplished, at that sexual-anxiety thing was alwayz present, no matter how hard we tryd to iggy it ... Prom... she woundnt dance wit me .. she did dance wit Kayti, not me... She danced wit JQ, which i could understand, she wanted him ... Kayti, Ick!... but not me?! She said i was her best-friend ... then who was kayti? And my advice, all the girl-friends she had were total sluts, and since she hung out wit me n them, well, rumors n gossip.. both our chances fer dating at that skoo were low ... I fix'd that, she didnt ... and then things wit Ashley, the final few weeks of skoo ... we just kept becomin more distant... skoo ended ... we started becomin a lil closer, but one day, not too long after I got my car, i kidnapped her.. It wasnt a real one.. I picked her up, set her down next to my car, pushed her in *really lightly, like, if she had resisted in the slightest then she would had bein still standing, firmly* ... and we went to my house, chilld, got some cups, came back .. Dwight *a friend of jeffs before I was, new to the group* and CJ were trippin out. Dwight was only in it so he could whoop some ass, CJ wanted to earn some poon... Due to my Seniority, Dwight knew that I was right... Cj jus kept getting worse ... Janene tryd to tell me go leave .. that hadnt worked for 3 years... it aint workin now. She said when Chuck *jill's dad* got home id be in for it ... I knew better ... He didnt get home, and since I was already outside *they tryd locking me out after we came back* i talked to him .. first about wehn i hit his car *it was a tap, seriously, no damage, except for the highlight that was falling out did .. it shatterd only after it hit the ground.. and that was a week before.. then about how i stole Jill .. I was honest, and told him that i purposely did not ask janene for permission cuz i didnt wanna hear her bitch. So he said i should leave. i agree'd, but asked to get some shit from Kiel .. he said to mkae it quick ... CJ was still trippin out, super-worse than before.... he might'a almost attacked me, except i would hav whooped his ass.... then dwight would hav prolly whooped his ass.. so anyways, he started in on Jill, tryin to trick her into sayin i did somethin wrong, re-asking the same questions, but repharsing them .. but hes an idiot, so it wouldnt hav worked.... except ... she was playing into it!!!! she was tryin to change her story, slowly, in front of him n janene... shes two-faced, i knew that .. but this was the end ... to make them both happy she would forsake me!!!!!! That was the end. she tryd to be friend afterwards .. we were for another day to to .. but over n over CJ would interupt our conversation vbefore we could start it, then she would get on her computer "Oh, lemma show you my items on my D2 character!" Bullshit... I hav now vowed to myself, Jill iz gone. Ever since that her n CJ hav spent lots'a tyme together, like Me n Jill used to .... but heres the difference, I weakened janenes power ... I tauight Jill to fight, so now, CJ spends the nite, every nite .. Janene invited him to leave there this summer, to save him the trouble of getting to summer-skoo from his house ............. Yea, thats a load of shit, especially since his house is jus as far as myne, and maby closer than myne to the bus stop!!! Jill iz gone. Forever. It still hurts, but it would hurt more otherwise, I would keep wasting my tyme, keep getting hurt ... **Just realized, 'Nothing Else Matters' just finished playing, as im typing this ... It was our song... and it popps up at those coincidental moments, alot!!** ... that was creepy ... OMFG! was that creepy ....

Thats my Jill rant.

I hope it helps clarify why when I refer to Jill i do it the way I do ... 3 years is a long time. Its a very long time.

I feel like crying, and its 4:40am ... I need to sleep before the sun comes up, i hav work trm ...

I dedicate this song to you Jill:

"Metallica - Die Die My Darling"

.

Die, die, die my darling

Don't utter a single word

Die, die, die my darling

Just shut your pretty mouth

I'll be seeing you again

I'll be seeing you... in Hell

Don't cry to me oh baby

Your future's in an oblong box, yeah

Don't cry to me oh baby

Should have seen it a-coming on

Don't cry to me oh baby

I don't know it was in your power

Don't cry to me oh baby

Dead-end girl for a dead-end guy

Don't cry to me oh baby

Now your life drains on the floor

Don't cry to me oh baby

Die, die, die my darling

Don't utter a single word

Die, die, die my darling

Just shut your pretty mouth

I'll be seeing you again

I'll be seeing you in Hell

Don't cry to me oh baby

Your future is in an oblong box

Don't cry to me oh baby

Should have seen the end a-coming on, a-coming

Don't cry to me oh baby

I don't know it was in your power

Don't cry to me oh baby

Dead-end girl for a dead-end guy

Don't cry to me oh baby

Now your life drains on the floor

Don't cry to me oh baby

**It was orginally done by the misfits, but i dont care enoguh to d/l their version**

GoodNite everybody!

*~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ >

~WakingUp [email protected]~! Zeroe'dIn~

Index.html~ Archives~ Profile~ Email!~ Guestbook!~ Cast!~ ringz~ Jill!~ n0tes~ AboutME~ Surveyz~ host?

!~* C'est Fini *~! - 2003-05-04
new diary... well, not yet - 2003-05-03
drunken entry... these are cool, arentthey? - 2003-05-03
random entry ~ jills fault... **and then later this becomes THE JILL PAGE** - 2003-05-02
Prom ~ okay, not myne but still! - 2003-05-02

Get reviewed by DiaryReviews!

Join the Chaos!

____________________________________________________