2002-08-09 @ 11:08 p.m.
I dont like being hurt. +rant

*~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ >

Mood: oddly fulfilled...?

Music: None, until I press the 'play' button

E-Mail: EMail Me!

*~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ >

Im gonna rant, inspired by the past 30 seconds...

As anyone would guess, i do not enjoy rejection. And no matter how 'nice' it may be, no matter how complimentary, it still hurts.

Actually, it was stared by the episode of Star Trek i saw, see, Geordi had spent many dayze creating the perfect romantic holodeck program; the chick it was for didnt like him ... And what she said I could sadly relate to "your a great guy, very sweet, but i dont like you that way" ... grr!

Then, Im thinking back, and every tyme the word 'flattering' has bein used, its for rejection purposes ... so if you said that so me ever, feel guilty, give me a hug! ...

And then a second ago, Becky did that.. shes didnt say any previously identified key-words, but it had the same effect.

I do not like that.

Ack! it happened agin! I cant even rant, Im too busy being rejected. Grr! ... And I was happy an entry ago too ... *sigh* further proof that everything is for nothing.

I signed off Yahoo! .. i cant think of anyone on id want to talk to till laterz .. 2am'ish ;) ... im gonna play neopets too laterz ... ill try before 12 so that it doesnt fsck wit my daily-thing too much ...

So here I am, in 'self-pity' mode, im gonna type awhile cuz im upset, k? *like you hav a fsckin choice* - *feels powerful now :D*

so anywayz, I was thinking, having one'a those internal conversation things .. I forgot all my conclusions tho .. I was thinking about why I am the way I am; Why I do the things I do ... Im driven by something, at first thought, it seems to be Need, need for love , etc... but it seems too simple, I feel theres something much more evil thats driving me.

I cant think of what that'd be tho? .. I mean, I talk to everyone very nicely, in just the right fashion to make them like me. I do however, know exactly how to get into a girls pants. Its a -very- diferent process than getting them to like you. And thats why no one likes me *or Zeke, we are sadly in the same plight* - *or at least, were, his diary pre-dates myne, and all I know came from that* ... So by being nice, with good intentions, I get fscked! Why cant anyone realize that? Girls say they want a nice guy, but they never like him 'more than friends' .. wtf? ... They are all stupid, or blind, or some other disbilitating disease that involves lack of perception -n- understanding ... I mean, I hav identified everything that would make someone not like me, and then taken strides to be rid of it. I think the whole lot of my recent frustration is revolving around the fact that im running out negative traits to dispose of! .. Can any of you tell me why I suck? I request, seriously, if your reading this, tell me EVERYTHING you can think of thats wrong with me! If you care, you'll do this. I know a bunch of people who will read this, and if your dont send this email, I know you dont care and may go to the extreme of blocking you from my friends list. Theres only one person who ever got that ... It lasted months before I rememberd she was blocked, and the only reason I talked to her was cuz I was very very bored, and forgot why I even blocked her? It also was prolly -my- fault, but still. This will be -=(Your)=- fault. So, as I said, if youv ever said you care, email me with all the things wrong with me, all the reason why im not good enough for you, or Anyone. And if you dont, then you are a Liar for ever saying you cared!

Now, just in case anyone is confused by this, I will attempt to pose an example. For instance, Becky *since she started this* would prolly claim that "the vibe" *shes clever* is what is wrong with me, shes getting the "good, long-term-friend" vibe *nice-guy-to-be-used?* ... she might also have more tangible proofs, like instances of my obnoxious behavior, annoying catch-phrases, over-analytical style *;)* , scrawny-white-guy-ness, etc...

So yeah, I expect to hav email.

Dont try to cop-out and send an email but not send the right msg. First proclaim my unfavorable traits, then voice your protest over this silly exercise :D

I will also enjoy hearing protests over this silly exercise that im only using as a guilt-trip to make everyone feel as lame as I feel! fsck you! Im childish too! *10 extra points if you repeat that*


So after I receive these emails *the sooner the better!* then I will know why I am unwanted. Then, I will write them all down on multiple pieces of paper and post them places, to remind me to fix these things.. as I go, i will cross off all the things I have corrected. Once I have no-more things on the list, i will disconnect my modem, and start my life over irl, meeting all sorts of new people, and having them actually like me this time! fsck you twice! .. Im not coming back online fer this, apparently the damage is already done and irreversable. A pity really.. I tryed so hard, and got so far. In the end, it doesnt even matter :))


so yeah, i have also provided multiple links to my email address, so no one can claim they dont have it! .. it is " [email protected] "



i was gonna play insaniquarium, but Becky got to higher, scaryier sounding levels, and itll remind me of her.. Im trying to avoid that thought since I dun wanna cry tonite.

I was gonna go hard-core and ride the bike 20 miles to Sara's far away home... no one answered the phone, and I dont want to show up un-announced, especially with the chance of no-one being home. I hope shes still in Oregon tho, it'll make everything less complicated, since her being there suddenly makes things a co-ed environment, which lower my chances of getting permission to do this. Grr! ...

I prefer Fast Cars to Big Trucks ... I enjoy the feeling of a fast car barely gripping the road due the tremedous un-natural speed. I tolarate the feeling of being in a machine with the power to crush tree, small cars and small children. So i'd rather own something fast and low to the ground than something huge .. plus big trucks get lower gas-mileage .. I drove my Granpas two trucks, and was fairly unimpressed, i mean, the V8 accelarated faster n easyer than my car, but it just wasnt as fun that way... Meanwhile, i can go 90mph and get a thrill out of my moms funky jap-car ... I dont know where this came from, but it needs to be said. I like fast cars, but race-track driving is stupid... going in a perfectly precaculated esclipse at 200+ mph only sounds even remotely interesting because of the 200+ mph ... I wanna go drag-racing, the illegal kind, like in fast n the furious.. I bet I could do better than that one fool did in the begining. With a lil practice of course. Keep in mind, i learned to drive in a economic-luxary car n mym moms economy-jap-car .. both automatics...

its now 12 .. fsck .. I guess ill do neopets laterz..

Im hungry, i may eat ..

*gets sandwich*

back, with a rant too!

My drawing, and how I suck at drawing, but yet, i can tell what happening in them.. there all kinda messy n scribbly ... and they were all inspirered by my recent Anime interest, which is why all the girls seem to be anywhere between 7 n 16, and they all hav that 'innocent blush' where they're thinking "so thats why guys can pee standing up!?" .. heh ... jus be glad im not -that- good at drawing >:)

*Intermission : TV*

I want the Umethar!! I want it bad!! I want it NOW!!


buy it for me and I might have sex with you! and I most likely will do -something- to proclaim a new-found love!! .. Please!?

*Intermission : TV*


so yeah, my night iz boring now ...

E-Mail: EMail Me!


*~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ >

~WakingUp [email protected]~! Zeroe'dIn~

Index.html~ Archives~ Profile~ Email!~ Guestbook!~ Cast!~ ringz~ Jill!~ n0tes~ AboutME~ Surveyz~ host?

!~* C'est Fini *~! - 2003-05-04
new diary... well, not yet - 2003-05-03
drunken entry... these are cool, arentthey? - 2003-05-03
random entry ~ jills fault... **and then later this becomes THE JILL PAGE** - 2003-05-02
Prom ~ okay, not myne but still! - 2003-05-02

Get reviewed by DiaryReviews!

Join the Chaos!