2003-01-22 @ 1:26 a.m.
Its Over. Im sorry, its just not worth it.

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Bless me dark father i cant win, without you im as good as dead...

My mood is not good, i want to die.

Game: That one I think im losing.. err.. life

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Ok, Now Im Pissed.

so im sitting here thinking about how exactly I was going to commit suicide, i mean, there are -so- mant ways

theres the ol' OD on medicine kind,

slitting wrists *altho id chill them in ice first to hopefully not-feel it*

maby park my car in the garage, leaving it running and suffocate?

then theres a few abstract ones i thought of, like tieing a 500ft rope to a pole, driving fast, and after 1000 ft im now beheaded, or findind a nice, big, trashbag, crawling inside and suffoctaing there

or theres one i cant do, and thats jump off of something tall.. im afraid of heights, go figure?

and then, somewhere in that I realized, Jordan hasnt left for the Navy yet ... and if i do this, itll really mess up his happpiness-esteem-type-stuff so that he might not survive bootcamp. And i really dont want to jeoparidize his future to cut my lame-ass existance short

so, i havta wait at least a few dayz... maby even months? i mean, if i do this while hes away, i could just ask in my final writing-ness to not-let jordan know that way he doesnt feel sad in bootcamp.

Well, yeah, im pissed.

Plus, i wanna see what my diary-review ends up like... im really curious :)

I had my hair in pigtails today.. i was SO cute .. i really enjoy feeling cute :D

*zones out*

ok... so, im seriously thinking this is the end

because, no matter how much i try, it just doesnt work. It never works. I even tryed to try to keep trying, and that didnt work.

Hope is a lie.

And the only thought, the only desire I seem to be having is to end this. I dont even want money or a g/f or anything anymore... this has gone too far. If all my problems were gone *bam* i had a beautiflul g/f, money, adventure .. no, not worth it. Its over.

so, for the next few days i just havta ride the storm ... survive until jordan leaves ... then, im gone

:D

-0ut

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