2002-08-10 @ 1:31 a.m.
Pity me, at least then i know you are pitying me and I can feel special I get -that- much out of you!

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Grr! Im not in the mood fer this!

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ok, im so fscking bored, and I realize, its easy to stay awake till 1-2 am .. any longer is hard w/o someone to talk to .. so hopefuly Dawn has fixed her alarm-clock dilemma ..

I wanna sing punk music now! I realized, when I sing along to heavy metal or other-type stuff, i sound dumb, even to myself.. but one night i was driving fast in my car and sang alkaline trio - crawl ... I thought i sounded good, i wasnt all trying to hide it, i wanted ppl to hear ... So maby ill do that? I really like that song, its now one'a my fav'est songs ... I keep listening to it over n over ... i hear it at least once a day ... I think i hav the voice for it, i think... I can also sing along to girl-songs, except i can barely hit the higher notes ... it hurts to do it.

and of course, on the topic of music.. I was on that walker-machine-thing at the Gym, it wasnt a treadmill, but some funky walking-device.. it cant begin to explain, iv sein simpler things in Physics manuals -> anywayz, so im on this thing that simulates walking *in my case, hill, on the highest level* and as usual, i pretend like im going somewhere far away, in case case Sara's home .. and Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want comes on on the radio that was playing ... i dont know how, but the machine got -alot- easyer, and i went really fast ... prolly the conditions, like, the song n machine-activity reminded me of Sara.. and so then comes the adrenaline ...

Avril songs remind me of Emma.. all of them .. so its hard to listen to them :( ...

i mean, i dont know what to think anymore, this whole world seems to be out to get me.. but that cant be it cuz most of this world wont cooperate to those extremes, which leads me to believe that in fact, ~IM~ the one that has something wrong, something everyone knows about that I dont ..? Its the only rational explaination .. i mean, if it were something simple, like a few weeks of bad luck or somethin then sure, nothings wrong ... when its years n years of bad luck, it makes you think twice ..

Maby I was wrong to like Becky. Shes too good fer me, shes knows it. Thats what the problem is, im too fscking stupid to learn where I belong, and so im only hurting myself. Fuck Optimism, its a lie created my fulfilled people to make themselves feel normal. Im neither fulfilled nor normal, so im plain fscked. People say shit like "oh you should be grateful, your so smart" ... ok, thats helpful, it will impower me to earn money and solve problems ... well, of course, except for the more important problem that no amount of genius can. There is no humanly possible way to achieve happiness without hurting others. Its one or the other, never both. To think otherwise is to lie to yourself and everyone around you. So really the issue becomes of tyme; When do I stop being nice and start being happy!?? .. well not tonite obviously.

I now refer you to my last entry, I havnt gotten emails yet!

-0ut

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