2003-04-08 @ 10:12 a.m.
grr'ness.. i hurt everywhere...

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Mood: lots of hurt... i walked too much, too early *and then theres Lauren*

Food: pain doesnt mix well with food, but i think ill be hungry laterz

Piccy: go back an entry.. i was happy then :D

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i hurt so bad

both inside and outside... only the outside hurts more right now...

and, in case anyone hasnt noticed, im crazy, and dumb.. ill pay me back later fer this...

So I walk to Bella Vista at 6am to give lauren that drawing, i wanted to remind her i still cared, and that at least -I- didnt forget about -her-.... and of course that was the stupidest thing i could do .. iv prolly ruined things one lil step at a tyme.. im too tired to think exactness thought

basically when i got there, she was all happy n such, until she saw me... ...then she mentioned her space, i said something dumb *its hard to remember* and i handed her the drawing.. i used some old magazine as a backing so it didnt get fucked up when i carryd it... but yeah, i got a hug at least, then i left.. she didnt look at all inpressd... all my effort for nothing

and of course, if i hadnt mentioned before, the quickest way to tear me aprat inside-out is thru Apathy.. and i got alot from lauren today, which a hint of disapproval

so yeah, im dumb

go figure?

i mean, fuck, i guess its so fucking wrong to actually like, care about, and wanna do spontaneous affection-type-things ... im so fucking horrible for liking my g/f huh?

*sigh*

nothing in my life can go right.

her brother emtnioned a time-table that had lauren calling me in a day or two

too bad im going out-of-town Thursday? well, she wont call me in time, because i dont think she cares... i mean, i try to be optomistic and just think im a fuck-up and shes trying to still like me... but i think its closer to she thought i was cool, but has realized i suck now, and is trying to find the most painless way to be rid of me... well, Apathy isnt it... apathy drives me nutes, literally ;) ... so yeah, as iv mentioned, id rather be flat-out dumped so i can try to move on and go drink myself stupid... i applaud Christina, i nice straightforward "i dont wanna go out with you anymore" ... very concise, straightforward, a clean ending...

now, im gonna try to sleep... im not fond of the idea of waking up anytyme.. at all.. ever..... but life isnt that easy, ill be awake agin way too soon... grr..

-0ut

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