2003-03-31 @ 10:05 p.m.
Lauren will prolly un-like me soon .. ~ goes back to hating life

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Mood: Twiterpated, Lauren .... *ph34rz Love* .. then life came crashing down

Game: I was gonna work on these coolies ideas... now im gonna go hate life

Challenge: who cares? its not like anything in my life can be good for longer than 24 hours...

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right up until 5 minz ago my day was perfect

ok , it was shit, but spending tyme with Lauren makes it totally coolies...

ack! chronology -> ill rant later

so i wake up, at around 1:30 but of course i dont do anything about it... i do my morning stuff, run to kiels, chill abit, then talk to Lauren about coming over.. she didnt want me to, but i decided to defy The DM twice in a row... and so me n kiel went over there... i show'd kiel laurens brother, who has a coolies puter n such.. they hangout awhile

i talk to lauren, it was fun .. i mean, she was doing HW for most of it, but it was SO much better than anything else that could happen today *oh, by the way, for future knowledge, im caring agin .. no more Apathy*

so then at 5 she had to go, me n kiel went to

we went places, all dont really remember... at greenback n san juan the carls jr was overrun with a sabbot pack... ? .. me n kiel chilld at the mall , thought up a coolies game-thing... basically we shall start a game, run at Sunrise Mall, and since there are IRL people there, we'd actually havta keep the masquerade up .. ... then at his home natalie came, i was gonna try n type to Lauren on kiels puter, but his gay-ass puter hates me and didnt let me do anything... so whatever.. he wants to build the site at his house, im like "no, your puter isnt coolies enough" .. and so finally i got a ride home and now im here...

now, when the puter was booting, i was happy, there was chance id see Lauren online... *smiles birghtly*... AIM loaded, no Lauren.. but thats ok, ill see her trm? ... ... ... so i check emails, MSN, Yahoo, then the diarys... now, im -totally- looking forward to Laurens entry, so hers loads last.. *saves the best for last* and so after reading everyone elses *christina has fallen to the zombies, but oh well, well, at least i thought* ... i read Laurens ...

well, okay, its not -that- bad.. she still likes me ... but of course that could change... see, Lauren down-playd Amanda's role in things, prolly cuz she didnt want me to un-like her over it... fine, i accepted what Lauren said, and decided as it stood i could tolerate this. well, now that i care, now that im truly becoming afraid of laurens sway over me ... yeah, apparently amanda is a lil more important to lauren than i expected.

now, to be a hypocrite, and answer laurens entry -> amanda = competition ... im trying my best to be nice by not-killing her... of course, its a 'her' which totally weirds-out all normal thinky ... i mean, a guy i can rationally gain support from the family, and a very clear n set action list... first try to dislodge him from her life, then send beat-down runs on him ... easy, right? ... well a girl ... im clueless as to what to do, and she happens to be threatening everything in my life *agin, what else do i have in my life? ... wow, that much?* ... yeah ... so, to clearify earlier remarks, no, amandas feelings are not my primary concern. because if she was a guy, this situation would have her in a much more un-fun consideration. but, since im very confuzled on how to proceed, im just gonna close my eyes and follow lauren blindly. whatever she decides.

of course, as i mentioned, im caring agin... im realizing these stakes are too high *and this actually has nothing to do with her puter, in fact, im more-incling to un-care because of that, but i cant go into details, i meant to talk to Laurne about it but didnt, i will trm hopefully*** ... but yeah

its over for me

its like being told when your gonna die... all i can do is wait for it

i hope i dont cry tonite.. that'll piss me off

*feels like it now tho*

im staying home trm ... maby ill try cutting... iv always bein curious, but never had the nerve.. until these past few months.. if jill handed me the knife that on enight.. it would be over fer me

but, of couse, nothing ever goes my way.. as soon as i think my life is gonna finally be nice, ....

I Hate Life!

grr

*crys self to sleep*

....I miss her...

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