2003-03-31 @ 11:37 p.m.
i hate life ~ pointless second entry

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Mood: im a complete failure... i hate life

MIDI: its sad, yet beautiful and kinda hopeful ....

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pointless entry...

i was thinking... two things..

one, i lied today, i didnt even realize it.. well, it was more 'decieve' but still... i told Lauren i was on the way.. i was at kiels... its technically on the way, but i told Lauren so that she'd be less-likely to tell me not to come... so im prolly getting smite'd fer that

second, im a complete failure, i cant even cut myself .. im not even completely sure how, i mean, i press down hard, draw the blade across.. and it jus leaves this lil red-mark that fades after 15 minz ... wtf? .. this is pathetic ... and it was hard to try while watching me, so i was jus reading Laurens entry over n over ...

im terrified ... i dont even know how this happend ... why did i havta care? what in hell made me think that reversing my strategy and fully engaging myself in her would help things?? i guess its cuz i felt guilty, she was liking me, and i liked back, but only to equally-shown amounts.. i didnt let my thoughts n heart get out of control .. but then i decide to actually stop-apathizing everything, to stop down-playing her and my emotions.. to stop being so damned pessimistic and look and hope to our future...

then *BAM* ... i feel awful now... i dont have her here tho.. i need to know what to do.. i dont wanna ruin things, but i think it may be too late... she still likes me now, but what if she thinks and decided that amanda, who has alot of tyme-advantage, deserves her more... im screwed .. and then, well ... i mean, i dont wanna threaten, but i seriously cant lose her... ... truly perfect, i cant have designed her better myself...

so of course ill prolly shift to laura-thinky and go do stupid shit that to anyone sane is totally stupid and working against myself, but to me, at the tyme, will seem like the best way to handle things...

i hate life

im not working on that page tonite, poor kiel, i said i would.. but i need sleep ...

now, what pisses me off more, its now un-fun to spank it ... i mean, those girls have -nothing- on Lauren, they all are so gross in comparison ... i havta -force- myself to even start, then i feel hella lame ... my life is over..

*****kiels calls, i breifly explain why i hate life, and that im gonna sleep instead of hanging out with him, he says ok, now im back*****

i feel kinda pathetic .. cuz cutting is kinda, well, pointless.. and then i fail at it. i mean, what the fuck, i failed, i was un-successful? ???

altho im also thinking its a sign, that i shouldnt be like that, that i should not-hate life... which basically means i must more-actively smite zombies n demons n such ...

*thinks about revenge*

but thats also kinda bad ... i dunno ... grr...

agin, ill just sit here n await further instruction...

grr

-0ut

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!~* C'est Fini *~! - 2003-05-04
new diary... well, not yet - 2003-05-03
drunken entry... these are cool, arentthey? - 2003-05-03
random entry ~ jills fault... **and then later this becomes THE JILL PAGE** - 2003-05-02
Prom ~ okay, not myne but still! - 2003-05-02

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