2003-02-01 @ 12:51 a.m.
i hate life ~ good startday, but lame ass all hell ending

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I like skipping these since theyre kinda pointless....

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I Hate Life

maby enough to even -do- something about it

i wake up happy, im gonna see laura :)

i go to the skoo, during lunch, i get the around 11:30

we talk, chill, etc... then kiel storms in, says he needs to talk?

well, there a small group of people, and he announces that i have to choose between my friends or laura.

oh great

i stall, get to go back to kiels... eat, be sad, write laura a note... i talk to dwight, he says if they made him pick friends or michelle *his chick-interest* he'd say michelle, since they are being fscked up for making me choose

i talk to laura between 3rd n 4th, then i talk with jeff n dwight, they both dont kno really, theyre pissed about being ditched, but they didnt want it to come to this ... this was all kiels plan

so, then i decide that my ultra-H4rDC0r3 self doesnt havta play lil kid games. I dont havta choose, ill just hang out with whoever... if someone stops wanting to be my friend over that, then its there loss. I fixed that problem *even tho i almost cried*

...

then i talk with laura afterskoo from 3-5, since her foster-mexican didnt come till then... my frineds were a little upset about the longness... i understood, and was going to try not to let it happen agin. ... i havta be home at 5:30, and i heard Jillz voice, which almost caused a breakdown, my defenses were running low

i get drived to the airport wit mom, i dont go in.. i sleep, talk to laura *and had a very coolies conversation* and read the bible ... no big deal

mom comes back ... she talks to me about my life, jobness, my depression-like-behavior *shit, i didnt kno i was that obvious*, etc... i told her i was applying lots, had a nice life, etc... i told her laura story bout kiel... and got both a full tank of gas and 7$ out of it... sweet... but im still happy

i get home, fill the car, etc.. and, on my way to lauras, jeff calls... he wanted to go walking... i said no, i was gonna visit laura

i spent alot of tyme with her... kiels stunt today didnt help.. she was sad... and i almost broke down too... i thought maby if i kissed her, things would be better? .... she says the doesnt want to kiss me when shes sad about kiel... fsck that.

so, now im driving home, feeling very sad n un-accomplished... i call around... i actually get a hold of alyssa, and she tells me that she *and whoever else was there* were mad at me n didnt want to hangout with me cuz of laura.........

i get home, crawl into the backseat, and start crying even before im all the way there... i cry for about 30 minz... realizing all i need is someone to care about me, even if im being used, its better than being neglected... i cry, then natalie calls... im w34k, so i slip as to whats going on in my life...

she hasta go, my phone is dieing and shes gonna try to find ppl... i cry a lil, the car gets cold, i come in, she calls... my phone isnt charged alot, so i say ill call back... i call back to find that kiel has already calld, so she'll talk to him

so, im back to no one :)

Ali is on, she'll prolly see this, tell me she cares, but not enough to do anything about it

whatever

meanwhile I Hate Life... and am building the resolve to do something about it

I Hate Life

so thats my day

i kno that everything could be solved.. so easy too... i want someone to love, and love me back.. thats it really.... and thats what i dont have.

so yeah... its over

-0ut

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