2002-09-02 @ 11:21 p.m.
I watched TV the day before college

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Stuff: College, Stikfa RPG, Suicide

More Stuff: Alidia, Becky, Patricia, Gabby, and the 1000+ cute chicks at CSUS *Ffejs calculation*

trm, and the following weeks shape the next few years, and the rest of my life, and the lives of those around me. w00t!

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I woke up, watched TV all day ... took brief breaks to call Alidia, the first two, she wasnt home yet, the third, she was eating ; the fourth, nothings happening, call trm.

iv bein thinking tho, i must be crazy... like, the fer reals kind,

what else could this be? al these conflicting confuzing thoughts n emotions...

The strong urge to keep pure, faithful

The hope for the future

The need to be held, cared for, loved

The desire of contentment

and finally

The erge for self-destruction

-,

iv noticed somethin else ... i used to fear pain, it wasnt in any way welcomed, for any reason -> now it seems fun, exciting ... i dont know what thats about

-- trm is the first day of college, im all excited n stuff, hoping it goes good.. hoping its the worst thing ever ...

Im prolly being erratic, ill prolly look at this trm n roll my eyez or somethin ... but right now im kinda into it...

im gonna work on the stikfa RPG 1st ed while at skoo ... during the time nothing else is happening, breaks n such

But being crazy iz a blessing ... it brings a higher truth. Of course, psychoogist will say its self-promoting delirium or something, a fantasy created to boost my feeling of self worth.... but then, isnt that the same thing they feel once they diagnos you .. my invalidating your 'belief' and your 'vision' it reinforces there views, beliefs, self-worth ....... thats why no human can be a true psychologal scientist, because even the most detached objective psychlogist is in some way clouded by their own psyche...

so yeah, if you really think about it, living is pointless. anything you could possibly do wont influence anything substansially, and even if you do, its only in this petty world that has no real golden destiny. This universe will be smoudering balls of burnt-out molecules the size of this current universe in a few trillion years.. so what can be changed till then? no technology can change the laws of physics! technology is the human effort to harness the physical world, to make carvings in the sand, nothing more ... as soon as tide comes in, its all gone. on a smaller scale, at any moment cities can be turnd into craters by one of the many powers holding nuclear weapons .. in 50-100 years we could hav destroyed enough ozone to melt an icecap ... walking down the street you could be hit by a drunk driver or shot by a mugger ...

This is a truly pointless existance. Even heavenis pointless, what is the point of living in perfect-paradise-contentment for eternity? that has even less of a point that living here... at least here there problems to solve, challenges to overcome...?

so yeah

4 chances, maby 3 if things go right :D

im gonna try to sleep

-0ut

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!~* C'est Fini *~! - 2003-05-04
new diary... well, not yet - 2003-05-03
drunken entry... these are cool, arentthey? - 2003-05-03
random entry ~ jills fault... **and then later this becomes THE JILL PAGE** - 2003-05-02
Prom ~ okay, not myne but still! - 2003-05-02

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