2002-08-19 @ 1:40 a.m.
...just a freight train coming your way

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Food: But what to eat?

Mood: Sad, but kinda good; The post relieved me somewhat

I updated my template, see if you can find the changes! Check out my DiaryRings!

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today was interesting ... especially in conjuction of last nite.

To begin, last nite I re-came to the realization that life is pointless, especially since Iv fscked up so bad and Becky wont ever like me :D ... so im thinking about how exactly to go about killing myself, or at least how to inflict enough pain to accomplish whatever inflicting pain accomplishes ... I wanted to cry, that painful "I need to cry" feeling needed to get released, i couldnt ... i jus couldnt, it hurt so bad ... somehow i fell asleep, spent a beautiful 12 hours in my dreams, and nightmares.. all more entertaining and enjoyable than reality ... but I wopke up, Granpa n Joan were here, and I was needed to help carry furniture in ... Granpa sold his old house and is giving its furniture away, since his new wife, joan, had her own home ... and matching furniture ... so I reluctantly awakened, ate, carryed shit, ate, chilld wit them, played some bubble-bobble on micheals puter, chilled wit g-pa agin ... he looked inside my car, under da hood ... saw computer-ish parts, wasnt impressed ... i felt apathy, except fer the attention, which i enjoyed.

Somehow I ended up at kiels, we chilld a bit, then went to Lauras .. seeing them together, having fun ... well ...

Went to jeffz home, no jeff -> went back to kiels, talked breifly to becky on his puter, then helped him dye his hair ... he went to play on his puter -> i talked to Jill alot, news later ... he came back, i did a good job helping him rinse, he said i did good, it made me feel good ... then jeff n anthony showed up, i came home realizing i hav places to be in less than 7 hours :)) ...

I realized I want Jill back, really bad. Thats my drive fer most of this. I mean, i know I could find someone else and be happy with them and enjoyably live out the rest of my life with no regrets ........... but if that special someone were Jill, itd be more special. She, like anyone, has problems in her life... I can fix them, i want to fix them, it will be fun ... I only have one problem, because if any other problem develops i quickly assess its threat and deal with it, and then i have only one problem agin ... And if your just now tuning in to the diary, then you'll need to be told that my problem is the fact i have no special someone, and i feel desparate, incomplete, unhappy, unworthy, and just down right Lame. I pretty sure if I tryed, i could have someone telling me there my g/f ... thats not the issue. If i wanted, im pretty sure i could hav someone to hold me and tell me they love me. Agin, thats not the issue. I need someone who can deal with me, in every aspect.. I need to be held, to have someone to brag about, to care for and who cares back, who knows me, can predict me .... I need someone very special. Currently, my need has not been satisfyed. It may not be -> that makes me feel like dieing -> saves me the tyme of living thru this sadness.

I hav no clue what my point is ^^^ ... but thats basically the thought im having.

An entry ago, I decided to display some diaryrings. In addition to that, this is my 101-st entry. I am truly amazed at myself, because i never thought this was gonna last .... that 101 doesnt even count my week on LiveJournal! ... Wow, 101 ...

well, possibly in 6 hours i will be en route to some appointment so ima'go

I Love You ->

I think id love anyone who held me,

-0ut

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!~* C'est Fini *~! - 2003-05-04
new diary... well, not yet - 2003-05-03
drunken entry... these are cool, arentthey? - 2003-05-03
random entry ~ jills fault... **and then later this becomes THE JILL PAGE** - 2003-05-02
Prom ~ okay, not myne but still! - 2003-05-02

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