2002-08-14 @ 12:46 a.m.
MidNite InSight ~ Inner Conflict Resolved

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Food: But what to eat?

Mood: Eager ; To try my newest insights

Future: Navy, CSUS, Clubbin', SciFi Conventions, or A-Blazin'

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I was thinking awhile, while talking to Becky ... We talk bout stuff as usual .. I get rejected at least once in some way ... tonite as I said is no different. Except for a few thoughts of my own.

As I was running a line of questions intended to further press upon Becky will, my thoery was she'd give in eventually, if I do things slwo n gradual, yet still keeping potency. To my surprize, she answered differently than expected, I improvised, and in the process I came up with a few things ... kinda off-topic tho..

About me, and my goals. What do ~I~ want .. its the real issue behind most/all of this I think .. see, i realized my 'morals' are actually just a mirror-image of everything Jill is tells me about what she wants .. I know for a fact I see things differently than her in those regards, So now I hav to rethink. Morality, Procedure, and my Own Inner Desires ...

Let's start at the top -> Sex and Marriage ... well, my take on it is that in should be one guy - one girl .. thats it, the way things should be. That you should love a person long before you should have sex with them .. But then I think about the act itself, the whole messy affair ... How is -that- Love? How can that even be conceived as Romantic? .. kissing slowly holding each other on a beach after a long walk in the MoonLite is romance; Sex is, well, primative. Im not saying it isnt coolies, or that is should be as arbitrary as animals do .. but it isnt directly related to 'love' either .. To reflect on my personal preferences, Im thinking that it fulfilling gratification *duh* with someone trusted .. Thats the way my fantasies see it .. And the thought of a girl being pure and not-easy is very very appealing ... just being her b/f would be enough sometymes, w/o any kind of physical-ness ... So now I got that clear ; instead of Jills short sighted belief about being married first ... She'll also prolly end up being divorced a bunch too!

Kissing .. Hmm ... technically, is no worse than sharing food, drinks, spoons and maby even toothbrush *shudders* ... so I could kiss almost anyone I know and not be at any risk .. Theres the whole emotional side .. but even then, it is a very frivolous thing, intimate, but not really to the point of lip-chastity-belts ... but agin, purity I dig, and thinking about people who kissed a whole bunch of people iz kinda icky ... So im thinking, needs to be an 'item' ... but no serious guilt if something happens outside of a relationship ... its to be avoided, but not shunned ...

Touching, feeling up upon, etc ... must be b/f-g/f .. anything less is kinda icky ... except in some rare circumstances, when its a minor infraction and there are many valid reasons for it to happen ... but still, i think ill insist on a relationship ...

Im thinking about the thing I feel comfortable with, what would n wouldnt I do ... What id like. and so now im moving on, relating things to people ...

I think Becky is a lost cause ... I dont think any amount of trying will advance things ... So i think im gonna give up *fer nows* ...

Strangly enough, iv bein thinkin about Dawn .. which she shouldnt even be on the list, shes younger than Lacey, and Lacey only was under consideration because she had bein 14 for three years running ... *is forgetful, especially when conveinent* ... I'll havta wait either way ...

Jill was fer awhile.. but shes too stuborn, Id havta lie too much to trick her into anything ... I know her too well, a double-edged-sword ...

Ok, wow, the list is consirably shorter than I remember .. Its cuz everyone went and found their own lives ... they stopped tuning in for myne, I wasnt really worth their tyme anyways, but still ... If I just dumb and missed someone, which iz very possible sinces it so late, emil me or something telling me im stupid and lame fer forgeting you!

This means im going to have to find someone new. No way around it. Im just trying to think of where? .. I guess ill have to go hard-core at just talk to everyone, use all my L33t skillz at once to dispatch of any disbelievers! ... Ooooh... I can already feel my L33t-sense tinge at the prospect of this most awesome and worthy challenge ...

Now I feel better, And I hav Becky to thank, since she started this ^^^ ... Everyone is encouraged to stay unpredictable and true to themselves!



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!~* C'est Fini *~! - 2003-05-04
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random entry ~ jills fault... **and then later this becomes THE JILL PAGE** - 2003-05-02
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