2002-07-29 @ 1 o' clock a.m.
a little more day to end my Nite

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Johnny likes skinny girls, but he never turns down a fattie!

Im bored of these lil boxes, but I fell obligated to fill them...

Hopefully Ill hav E-Mail from Emma trm :D a really long one too!

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Nothing happened really, talked to ppl i kno, jogged all the way from Jeffs home to myne ... its not really that far, but i havnt actually jogged anywhere since getting my car .. iv felt weak n un-coolies recently, prolly since i havnt bein moving around much.. but when i got home i showered. .... Becky got a new puter, I wanna go see. She hasnt bein on a few nites cuz her old one died ... I thought I jus wasnt on at the right tymes?? ...

One thing Im kinda upset about is sometymes I have things i want/need to type, and i kno someone is gonna read it, the someone who its related to. Do I jus skip it? Do i sugar-coat it? do i not-care and type it anywayz? ... well, this diary, as I hav said, is fer me, all are warned in advance, plus I need to stay true to myself, so that I hav hopes of trusting me ...

Back on topic ... Iv known Becky for a long while, at least since march, i kno before that tho ... I cant remember exactly -when- we started talking, but she said that she wasnt comfortable having someone she met online come to her home ... Okay, at that point i had only known her fer, like, a week'ish ... I could understand ... I asked earlyer tonite, what was she doing trm? Im so very bored, and all my closer friends are getting boring ... Plus im really curious to meet her ... So I ask. Shes still uncomfortable ... I lied to her, telling her id understand, that it was ok ... It hurt. It hurt that she cant trust me... I guess, especially after knowing me and reading this that someone wouldnt want to meet me irl ... but I trust her more than most ppl i kno, more than anyone I see daily ... she doesnt trust me, doesnt feel comfortable w/ me ... after everything too ... *sniffles* ... Im glad I dont havta talk to make an entry, one reason I dun like the phone, I get too emotional, if im online, im safe, if im irl, i can easily burn the willpower to keep a straight face.. on the phone.. i wimper, and sniffle ... and get all choked up n stuff ...

Im so fscking awful.

Which brings me to another topic im fairly reluctant to deal with, but it is a rant, and it does seem to work... When i first started out talking to ppl online, I used my L33t-skillz to make ppl like me,id tell everyone exactly what they wanted to hear.. it was perfect... And a few tymes, somethin bad happened... Id continually argue w/ a girl that, in fact, she was cute, and id like her no matter what she actually looked like, then, she end up sending a pic.. and I would ph34r .. *shudder* ... and then, id feel guilty n lame, and never talk to her agin fearing my own awfulness :D ... recently, i deviced a counter. If I really like someone, then I purposely force my imagination to see the uglyiest version of that person possible, and then if I survive that, no pic can deter my affections :) ... And that has worked, everyone I kno currently is alot more beautiful than I imagined, making my day so much happyer :) ... hehehe ...

so yeah ... two rants ..

Oooh, another:

Recently, iv bein really paranoid about being in / getting out-of the shower... and one time I made the mistake of leaving the TV on, so every time I heard a voice i didnt expect ot hear, id jump .. Like, awhile ago, everyone i knew was poor, no income, no money, so there was never any reason to anticipate their arrival ... Now, almost everyone i kno has income and spending money ... at first I ph34red Gabby might show up, she seemd to hav lotsa hours at work, and not alot of expenses... and now.. to think, where has Emma bein? her diary updated, but she also has a laptop, and I kno i could use my L33t-skillz to jack on ~ANYWHERE~ if i had i laptop *drools* ... so now i fear, that whenever I wake up, or leave the shower, i may hav uninvited guests ... *Lol* but then agin, that wont -actually- happen ;)

I was talking to Dawn earlyer, and she mentiond how I say things on my diary that make Lacey sad ... well, ok, but I am always prompted by her actions ... As soon as she found out I wasnt gonna keep waiting for her forever, she ditched me... She would never had actually committed herself to me, alwayz wanting some kind of "friends" arrangement ... and she also ditched Zeke, which is jus sad.. pissed me off... he should hav bein it, maby even more than me, I kno more than anyone else she knows ... but she still ditched him! That suckd. She habitually hurts everyone around her, so im gonna try n make it a point not to be in the blast-radius. As I promised, ill still be her friend, that -is- what she said she wanted ... and I could prolly help her make all her problems go away, i do hav skillz like that ... But since she doesnt want to talk to me, to come out of hiding and confront me :D then fine, she doesnt hav to... I dont need her anymore.

and no one I kno is online, and I am tired.. so i think im gonna sleep ... nitenite fer nows ...

*huggles all*

-0ut

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