2002-07-22 @ 5:13 p.m.
Who ever has to choose?
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Person: Emma -n- Gabby; My topic
Food: Salsa! ... on my eggs!
Game: That one I think im losing.. err.. life
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Im typing on diaryland because I now hav a decision... and rather than think to solve it, im gonna avoid it and type here... Emma came online, we talked a few minutes... She asked about Gabby, i told her some.. she was jealous, and left suddenly.. So I leap from my seat, hop on da bike, turn a 30 minute walk into a 4 minute bike-ride... and i called her. She likes me, i thought when she said that long-distance relationships suck, and that she didnt want to until/if we were closer irl, i thought that she didnt like me that much, and since she was never online.. i thought she moved on. ((And we all kno what thought did *shudders*)) ... Kiel said something yesterday, fater i eluded to the fact i had legions of insatiable fan-girls *im a braggart, exaggerater, and a liar :P* he said that im still not L33t enough fer a real girl ... Well, this is all becoming a little too real. So now I obviously hav a decision.
I thought of an interesting way to solve it, altho it impractical. I could wait things out, the one who likes me the most wins, since the one who likes me the most will put up wit me long enough to stay. Thats a crappy idea.. Thats what happened to me w/ Lacey... I thought ill jus wait things out, eventually she'll like me.. everyone else will betray her before i will... well, im pathetic, but thats not the point. The point-> im fscked.
I dont want to hurt anyone, i dont want to hav to choose.
I will tho, i warned everyone, right from the start, I will hurt you, i will betray you.. ph34r. No one listens and now its too late. Emma was first, chronologically speaking *she hated chronology* .. and she was nice to me fer no reason... even when i was mean... But theres 'mike' .. some dumb fool... 2 n a half weekz isnt a very long tyme... i really dun like that ... but im hypocritical to hold the past against anyone... Gabbys cute, so very nice to me... we hav more common interests than Emma<->Me do i think... she on more... But..
so im fscked.
This is even harder than when Lacey was around.. at least i had reason to dislike her... damn.
Well, i did eat before i came back here.. if i didnt then i would hav bein able to talk to Gabby before she left. I dont want to post this, they'll both read it. what to do, what to do...
Emma has a life, a very full un-needing-me life... and thats a really good thing, since i suck. Gabby has jamie n her dog... shes online enough to make me wonder if theyre even around any of tyme ... Lacey didnt pick me because I didnt hav the tyme or resources Zeke did... fsck. And neither of them hav hurt me, theyre both too nice... fsck. Im starting to dislike me, alot. I want to escape :D ... that'd be too easy, cowardly even... but its better than hurting someone whos been so nice to me.
Emma will prolly either tell me that she doesnt mind, or jus not talk to me n run .... Gabby wouldnt take that kind of news that well...
hehehe.. i good idea.. i wont stop typing till i figure somethin out.. a kind of torture-motivation, since i will get tired n achey after while >:) ...
Now, if i was jeff... Id take gabby.
Now, if i was kiel... Id take both.
Now, if i was jordan... Id take Emma.
If i was keck ... both, or gabby.
If i was Zeke... neither->Lacey.
*lol, that was jus funny...*
Who's opinion do i respect more? Jordans... Who's personality fit myne closest? Kiel... Who reeks of his funky testosterone fevor? Jeff.. *lol'ing, cuz stress is bad*
Know, if i were to compare them to past failures...
no, i wont.. thats cruel.
I never actually got rid of Lacey.. she has a valid reason for being offline.. she has irl social stuff to deal wit *wink* ... friends from NYC visiting... so when she comes back she can sift thru 20 entrys and realize that Im so fscking lame she should hav never thought about me...
really, it comes down to: Who do ~I~ want? and since i havta choose before the end of this email, cuz if either of them see it now, they'll both hate me..
*another interesting thought, i force myself into a position were a choose or i get none... hehehe...*
Im so glad im alone, that neither will be on for a few hours...
I dont want to type anymore.. i can already realize how badly im hurting both... maby i wont post? i wont. This is for me. ill start a new diary, where only ppl who wont be hurt by this will see it... that way i can keep secrets...
but i cant do that.. i havta stay true, true to myself, true to everyone.. no matter how much it hurts...
I feel so lame...
i cant decide...
and i cant force myself to type anything else...
Because i fear i hav a conclusion.
Gabby iz easyer, she'll come to me, and it wont be ~too~ long till she does it.. the latest would prolly be when shes 18... But Emma is a sure deal, financially n career-wise... better for me in the long-term look at things... But i think me n Gabrieles kids would be cuter... I dont really like either of their names *lol* ... im really sorry, but Emma is a name my granma might hav gotten.. and Gabby is kinda.. err... makes me think of someones annoying lil sister. Thats a really dumb thing to think about, picking someone cuz of their name *lol* ... but im running out of ideas... Lacey was a cute name... altho its also pretty weird... Jill, Ashley, Sara <--all normal perfectly fine names...
well, okay, Emma n Gabby are perfectly fine names, jus not normal... Altho its kinda cool to hav someone wit a unique'ish name? like, i kno 3 jill's... but only one Emma... only one Gabby... ppl kno exactly who ur talkin bout that way.. *lol!!, im dumb*
They are both too nice to me. Why couldn't one of them be mean? then i wouldnt hav to decide....
I got it.
Perfect, ill do without... i know im not being greedy or selfish if i hav nothing... plus im not worth either of their tyme anyway! it will give them both time to realize that, instead of being tricked into thinking im nice for picking them and then they havta realize it later... since i kno both ~will~ be hurt, if i do it kno, before i become too important to them, they can jus hate me and go on with their lives! perfect solution!!... i bet Jill wished she got a deal like that...
Ill still be nice to them, and listen to their day, and talk to them... i jus wont choose, nothing will be permanent or official...
This is a sweet plan, ill never choose, anyone! ... ever....
but then i feel like 'reset'ing.. cuz that destroys hope... and thats why im here.. Hope, that someone will like me back the way i do them ... damn.
New plan, i wont choose them, i will choose after college... yes... that way my life is very changeable... ill be able to go anywhere i want... since everywhere on this planet has computers :) ... sweetness indeed.
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~WakingUp [email protected]~! Zeroe'dIn~