2002-07-16 @ 7:13 p.m.
Well, I decide to leave the house today ... Bad move.

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Mood: 'reset' button ; Not too happy ; I need a hug

Food: Salsa! ... but that was all fer today

Game: StarCraft ->> las tyme I went a-blazin' ... so coolies

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Well, i decide to leave the house today ... Bad move.

So left Gabby to go get a haircut.. i get one, and decide what the ell, ill stop by Kiel, gets a cup of water... Well, kiels at work till 10..

But Jill was there, with her friend ... so I chill till her friend leaves.. then we talk. Well, the first thing, that kinda was the starting point of the whole conversation... she tells me "ok, ill only talk to you if you promise not to touch me" ... how lovely... well, we talk, she tells me bout Dan n Dustin, two ppl better than me, and then reminds me exactly why im so fuckin awful... I cant really respond, im much to pre-occupied burning willpower to keep from crying... I am awful. Im going to hurt everyone eventually... I cant tell when i want things for good or fer evil... I think one thing, then do another... I want ot be held... I feel id trade everything for that... The 'reset' button iz now a daily ponderance... I dont want to type this, because I kno ppl will try n talk to me bout it... There gonna be sad n stuff... I dont want that. I want to be happy. I want to stop feeling so lame. So, that will fix things, the only logical solution... well, I could wait things out *Ha!* ... if things havnt changed after this long, they not bound to any tyme soon... Even today, i totally ditched Gabby... that was stupid of me... Jills right, im not good, im not worth pplz tyme... Why don't I just go die?

Well, theres only one reason.. and thats You.... because anyone thats actually wasting their tyme reading this will object; will be sad... And i dont want that. Well, jus like in any other application, Im gonna go A-Blazing before my tymez up.. so im kinda planning that... so actually plan that id havta kno where alabama is... damn... mapquest will tell me :) ...

But other than that, I havta go to the college trm n register fer classes/orientation ... thatz gonna be lame... I might meet someone coolies there... i dunno. Im gonna go a-blazin' there too, but to a lesser degree... see, im jus gonna be hella friendly n shit, i mean, i hav nothing to lose, right.

I think what triggered this was realizing that everyone irl hates me, or at least doesnt like me as much as id hope... Its because I suck, and the only thing ppl online see is what I type, which I choose what I type... I dont lie, but i am holding alot back.. Jill doesnt even kno all the awful things about me, n she doesnt like me.. Ok, she likes Dan more... if youv heard HALF the shit hes done... hes an idiot, most ppl think hes gay cuz he totally doesnt do what ppl do when they like a chick... But.. He SO much better than me... That why I warn you. I dont want you to like me cuz 1.)im gonna hurt you, its only a matter of tyme 2.)I want to leave, and i cant when ppl still care...

Well, as I always say; I'll figure this out... even if I end up crying in a lil ball on Jillz bed agin as soon as she leaves.. or if I go a-blazin' ... I hav genius at least... :) Jill says that this is a sign of a chemical imbalance, that in fact, Im crazy fer-reals... So? maby its jus that normal people dont suck as bad, or that they are all too fucking stupid to realize it... I used to think that I hav to live, to get in a position to do the world a favor, even if its only to pass on my insanely-high-quality genes... Why tho? Its not like that kid will be born somewhere else.. it'll be here fucking here... no point. No point at all...

So yea, that my emotionally-spawned rant of the day... I kno i wont be gone fer awile, so no one better respond to this.. I dont want pity. Only losers need pity *slaps Ryan, CJ, Jana, and all the other ppl that should hav killed themselves before telling ppl about it*

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!~* C'est Fini *~! - 2003-05-04
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random entry ~ jills fault... **and then later this becomes THE JILL PAGE** - 2003-05-02
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