2002-07-11 @ 10:12 a.m.
When your crowned King Nothing

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Metallica - KING NOTHING

Wish I may

Wish i might

Have this wish tonight

Are you satisfied?

Dig for gold

Dig for fame

You dig to make your name

Are you pacified?

All the wants you waste

All the things you've chased

*And it all crashes down

And you break your crown

And you point your finger

But there's no one around

**Just want one thing

Just to play the king

But the castle crumbled

And you've left with just a name

Where's your crown?

King nothing***

Hard and cold

Bought and sold

A heart hard as gold

Are you satisfied

Wish I may

Wish I might

You wish your life away

Are you pacified

All the wants you waste

All the things you've chased

*And it all crashes down

And you break your crown

And you point your finger

But there's no one around

**Just want one thing

Just to play the king

But the castle crumbled

And you've left with just a name

Where's your crown?

King nothing***

I wish I may

I wish I might

Have this wish I wish tonight

I want the star

i want it now

I want it all and i don't care how

Careful what you wish

Careful what you say

Careful what you wish

You may regret it

Careful what you wish

You just might get it

Then it all crashes down

And you break your crown

And you point your finger

But there's no one around

I actually started an entry with lyrics, that song has bein stuck in my haed all nite, when i jept wkaing up, and when I finally woke up fer reals .... Im so awful in the worsts way i can i think, and i may actually share :D ? .... but first:

So I talk to Emma online, she decides to sleep, and ill email everything I was going to tell her laterz... Lacey asks to be forgiven. Apparently, she realized the grand-total of her mistakes and wants to be forgiven.. she doesnt want me mad at her ... Well, I say "ok", most of the things she was sorry for were in the past, and one hypocrisy I try not to do is hate ppl for their pasts ... so then, laterz, since all those stupid fucking children were at Jeffs .. i go home, n call Lacey .. I come to the most horrid realization that in fact I Love Lacey ... she throughly apologizes for her mistakes, and she wants time.. time to figure out wheather or not she wants me... So im stuck, because as I may hav said, im blindly in love with her, i feel pathetic over the whole thing ... And i know im going to fsck things up and lose both her n Emma .... My decision, since Emma said long-distance relationship suck, we prolly werent gonna start one any tyme soon... so I'll basically follow the course of that like yesturday never happened, meanwhile, Lacey gets the tyme she wants to figure things out ...

On a much more scary note, Im also letting lose on the world .. im not gonna pretend to be nice anymore... that way, ppl who dont like me will leave, saving me the tyme it would take to deal with them ... anyone who can tolerate me is obviously worthy of my time, so they'll stay :D simple, eh?

I feel guilty, over Jill.

I was so awful to her.. in so many ways ... we used to fight over things, alot of the time they were fairly pointless things, but we were both stubborn, her by nature, me because im dumb.. sometimes it'd get physical .. and those ones are were i feel guilty .. I never actually hit her, never closed-fist, never in the face .. but sometimes id slap her, not too hard, but by far not soft, on the arm or somethin ... She hit me too, usually alot harder, but i was much stronger than her, so it didnt phase me much.. ... A few times it got scary ... like, sometime we'd wrestle some, and itd be over somethin dumb.. but one time, i had her twisted around in an odd angle, halfway off the bed.. the blood rushed to her head, her face was turning purple, she was crying.. I told her i wouldnt let her up till she agree'd *dun remember what* ... she was stubborn, she said no ... well, i gave in, let her up ... i cant believe i did things like that .. another time, similar situation.. i kept squeezing her, tighter n tighter ... she closed her eye, started to do limp .. Jeff magaed to save ehr that time ... I warned you all... I feel so awful, i wish i could make it up .. i dont even kno why id do something like that ... I realized i was turning into that bastard my mom *aunt* married .. i couldnt believe it ... Any one of those incidents deserve the 'reset' button ... Im so sorry ...

If i wasnt so stupid, me n Jill would'a bein married, happyily ever after ... Im not saying she wasnt mean to me sometimes, but i should hav jus let her, i shouldnt hav reacted, especially not like that.. i should hav known better ...

Im starting to shake.. so im retyping stuff cuz i hit the wrong keys ... plus i cant think of any closing-remarks ...

Im gonna email Emma...

*end*

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!~* C'est Fini *~! - 2003-05-04
new diary... well, not yet - 2003-05-03
drunken entry... these are cool, arentthey? - 2003-05-03
random entry ~ jills fault... **and then later this becomes THE JILL PAGE** - 2003-05-02
Prom ~ okay, not myne but still! - 2003-05-02

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