2002-07-11 @ 3:20 p.m.
Im walking a very thin line...

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well, lotsa things happened, many of which im still confuzed, most of which i caused ...

Im gonna pretend like none of that happened till the end

I got a new template, from Emma, its so fucking awesome!!! oh the sweetness!! Emma is way too nice to me...

im just gonna post the few conversations ... i used to love reading the few tymes other people posted conversations ... so here ya go :D ::>>

An E-Mail To Emma:

""I kinda meant now.

Or am i being too immature, thinking i can get that kind of answer so soon... like lil-kid dating, were bf/gf dont do anything jus pretend, wish .... I think your trying to be serious, and actual adult relationship, with all the normal adult responces, procedures, etc.. which iz prolly why im not being very compatible ... Im trying to decide what I want based on fantasy .. How much fun does this sound in perfect conditions, in future-tence... I got detached from the real issue. What now?

I think you are now. I think that Lacey may be better in my fantasys, the fact that after 7 years id finally get to be with her ...Happy Ever After style... but that fantasy takes place 3.5 years from now .... From Now.

Altho, in all technicality, your not here now either... id prolly havta wait 6 mons, a year, maby more ... Plus i know Lacey would come here... you may insist on me going there, which means leaving everything I kno ... Its sounds kinda fun, but kinda not...

I dont know exactly how far ill get with either of you. I hav no clue if either of you would ever tolerate me long enough to spend your lives with me... I dont kno which one of you Id prefer to spend my life with...

However, this is the Now. Not a year from now, not 4 years from now, not 20 ...

Im gonna give you a chance.

The hardest part is gonna come about 15 seconds after I click send, when I havta switch windows and break Laceys heart.

Im putting more trust in you than I ever thought I could ...

*Cant think of closing remarks*

byebye fer now, respond quick :D ""

An IM Msg To Lacey:

""You said you wanted time... time to get to know me. I think the only way to adequatly compromise this situation is for us to be a lil less cuddly than now ... I still want you to be happy, i still care for you just as much as a did an hour ago ... The only thing thats different is that Emma's getting a proper chance. Also by doing this I can make them both not-hate you :D you seemed concerned with that. Im going to try to act/re-act the same exact way to you I would hav before I decided this, since you do deserve it. You've earned my trust, my respect, and my love. Nothing will take that. This is a trial-run, a time for you to get to know me objectively ... I prolly should hav done this anyway, so that you can get an adequate sense of who I am, not who I want you to know... ""

So obviously, what I can gather about me is that I cant hold true to myself, i give in to ppl to quick ... i didnt want either of them to hate me or each other, and except for that, im not sure what I want ... Im thinking that im rejecting everything that represents myself in a attempt to re-form my self-image .. i dont like who i am, im going to delete my life in order to change me ... but of course, i did make promises, and im going to keep them ... every decision iv made is to help find a compromise between the two goals .... Lacey cant be my g/f if im not who she thinks i am, thatd be weird. Emma cant be my g/f, cuz she doesnt want a long-distance relationship ... Im going to become better than I am now, im going to get rid of every trait I hate myself for ... Lacey said she wanted to be to kno "Me" .. well, the earlyer me she missed, this tyme around shesgoing to hav a front-row-seat ... Also, im not gonna lie, withhold, or sugar-coat things, no matter how hard it si to say, or how much i want to say different ...

I really hope this works :D

Im sure im pissing someone off in this, for some reason of another ... maby even everyone? ... I feel im betraying them both, but it'd be worse if I gave in to just one of them ....

If Emma, then iv betrayed Lacey, gone against 3 years of my own goals, and risked much more than id normally consider on someone id met less than a month ago ...

If Lacey, then I betray Emma, and my future.. It would be an obviously sign that my past has absolute rule over me, that I wont be able to escape it, that im stuck forever...

I feel weird, kinda. I feel detached, like im only typing to continue the plot-line ... Its really weird... My brain wants to relate this to a game, prolly to ease the tension, because everytyme I think "This is real, Real people, Real feelings, Real lives" i get scared, dizzy, chillz run down my spine ... So I avoid that, and continue typing, hopeing whoever programmed this game made the next scene work out nice .... I know how lame that sounds .. but still ...

What really sucks is Lacey chose me over them .. 3 weeks ago that was my life-goal, the reason i got out of bed in the morning, the reason i owned a computer, the reason i existed ... and now.. now im telling her to hold on, wait thing out, just like I had to do ... I cant believe im inflicting that on her ... but its not the worst i could do, and if I dont, then I betray my ideals, my potencial ... and Emma ...

Im walking a very thin line ... One wrong move could be the end ...

*sigh*

im gonna go offline ... Jill said she'd call at 3pm , i called her over n over from 2:40 till i came to write this ... No answer .. no one is home..??? thats weird ... she must hav left. She left knowing that we were supposed to talk today. And you wonder why I get pissed at her!?

But oh well, she didnt really hav anything helpful to say anywayz .. .

So now im sitting here, waiting for somethin to happen, but im not sure what ... Lacey went to Dawn's, Emma's at a swim meet .. Jills dead?? ... plus im online so I wont get a her call anyways ... I dun wanna go to Jeffs, iv bein there too much ... I dun wanna even get up ... im tired...

Im thinkin ill get a really coolies cooling-system for Ricks CPU, and then over-clock it to 150 MHz or maby even 200 MHz ... plus see if i can get him some better RAM ... he has 4 chips, totalling 48 MB ... weak .. i hav a 512MB chip in my puter .. so sweetness ... ill see if i can find 64 chips in his motherboards size ... 64x4 = enough?? right?? ...... his hard-drive was too old to be noticed by my puters auto-detect ... so im gonna havta burn the stuff i wanted on his .. d/l other stuff, and/or get his puter network'd into the others at jeffs home ... either way, more work on his box, no parts/equipmetn/tyme to do it ... i hav 3'ish weeks tho, no big deal :D

Im done ...

ByeBye fer nows...

P.S. ::: spidersoma@girlgenie <--- I was stunned

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!~* C'est Fini *~! - 2003-05-04
new diary... well, not yet - 2003-05-03
drunken entry... these are cool, arentthey? - 2003-05-03
random entry ~ jills fault... **and then later this becomes THE JILL PAGE** - 2003-05-02
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