2002-07-07 @ 1:34 a.m.
Luxt, Power, n Proverbs

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At about 8:40pm'ish, i was sitting here, minding my own business *not really* reading this one girls diary ... It was sad, kinda made me wanna cry ... I feel awful that while I spend tyme wallowing in self-pity over my stupid petty lil problemz, contemplaing the "reset" button, shes stuck w/o a choice ... Im fucking lame.

But back to the story, so im snooping thru her diary, and im only wearing shorts.. i jus got out of the shower, so why fscking care right? no ones gonna come in ..???? ... and these are really old, little shorts too, one wrong posture and id slide out of them .. so then Jeff, Bre, Jordan, n Dwight walk in ... OMFG! i jumped, only to realize i shouldnt jump .. I got dragged to a concert. *POOF* out of the blu, i get dressed, n got to a concert ...

It was cool, some chick-band played first .. then some other band .. then Luxt ... then we left ... It was fun, i had rants spawned from random ideas .. but that weird ringing-dull feeling in my ears distracted me .. so :P you miss out?!

Earlyer than that, i was talking to katie n Lacey, then, almost at the same tyme, they disappear .. i mean, they were still 'online' says Yahoo! but there was no responce ... it was hella weird!! then awile after that, ricky was on, and so was Spirosan, which i think at some point i knew the name of ... but it was a long tyme ago, and we didnt talk fer a long tyme .. so i fergot *sorry!!* and AIM doesnt hav an archive, so i couldnt check that ...

I really hate my brain sometymes .. i does bad things. Two things come to mind, ... first, whenever I think, it usually comes in the form of a rant *even long before the diary!* which iz prolly why its so easy for me to type so much .. internalized conversation, then i jus transfer what i remember when i 'jack on' ... but sometyme my brain trys to change the answer, to ones that would serve to appease ppl i want to like me... so then I re-assert my mission, my goal of the diary .. to type what I think, kinda what i feel, not what i want others to kno ... if my brain says it, then my fingers type it ... which is why this even came up ...

There were SO many hot chicks at the concert! OMFG! ... everywhere! .. there were some b'fugly onez too, of course, but the hot ones out-number the b'fuglys 5-1 ...

the second, its kinda a catch 22 thing .. when I view myself, that internal self-image thing ... when Im being evil, doing my usual "I rock, you all suck, i can destroy you all, so obey n tolerate me" basically in evil-mode, i get really sad sometyme, that im really good on the inside, everyone should kno that and like me...

But when im in good mode, trying to make ppl happy, being friendly, that new wave of friends-era attitude... i kno that the reason everyone hates me, wheather or not they act like it, is because of the innate evil-ness inside, that im awful, imperfect, horrible filth that shouldnt even be here, no matter how nice I act to cover it up ... its like one one attitude become external, then the other becomes internal ... its really hard to figure out how, or even if i should deal wit that ...

Parts of me i didnt kno i had hurt ... i think i need sleep ..

Shout-outs to Emma, Lacey, n Chooty *A.K.A. Gisselle* .. since you three seems to be on my mind ...

I really wanna meet gisselle *chooty jus doesnt sound right in my mind.. it doesnt fit, my brain rejects that title ... and gisselle is kinda pretty :D .. ** since im so very curious on her real-tyme responces n thoughts ...

Emma, i jus wanna talk to Emma more! shes really fun to talk to :D

And theres always Lacey, who seems to hav a fairly firm holding on my mental landscape ... even if that makes Emma jealous *and why does that idea makes me smile?* --- *its prolly cuz it shows that Emma cares, n that sign triggers the dopamine-release in my nervous system, causing that enjoyable lil jolt of happyness :D .. I wonder if thats what Laceys doing...? maby not intentionally, but im sure she must a some point think-n-enjoy the fact that soooo many fan-boyz will flock n fite fer her ... this doesnt sound healthy at all** Plus Lacey calls Seniority, shes bein around longer ...

At the concert, theres this one girl, louanne, who when i first met her we were at bre's, she started to like me i think, but switched over to jeff, since i dont respond quickly... tonite, i think the same thing was happening ... Her loss really, Jeff is pretty lame, and the more she compromises n takes him, the harder it will be for me to like her ... shes really cute tho ... oh well ... then theres rissa .. who jeff did ... i dont even wanna kno if she wants me .. i fear the answer ...

I didnt mention, but for the past three dayz, 'Anything but Ordinary" has bein stuck in my head ... *shakes fist at Avril* its wimp-rock too .. why do i like it?? The only explaination i can think of cant work .. i dont kno how anyone could go on tour n stuff when the devil calls every nite at 3am, concerning "The Agreement" .... but oh well :D its not bad either, i mean, she sings good, and shes really Hot .. so i dont really mind .. ill wait it out, eventually Metallica will takes itz spot back..

My sunburn sucks .. its all redish-pink, stiff, itchy, and it kinda hurts ... but if i let things heal, and keep giving it sun everyday, then it should stop bein lame, and turn into a tan... hopefully all that funky chest-hair gets a lil sun-bleached too, so things even out n blend in a lil better ... i think the only reason it looks so bad is cuz its dark-black hair agaisnt pastey-white skin ... oh well, in the Immortal words of Adam Carolla: "Men aren't supposed to look pretty!" true-fscking-dat!! ... If a chick doesnt dig it, then she doesnt dig it.. and then the next girl gets to find out if she diggs it...

Im also tired.. i think i should sleep, no matter how much i wanna call Emma ... shes asleep n out-of-town, and wit family ... I think things shifted back into the stage 4 ... recurrent thoughts, plus i thought i saw her at the concert .. I almost tripp'd out really bad, but then the chick turned, i saw it wasnt Emma ... and then common sense kicked-in, totally making me feel dumb .. she isnt anywhere near me, so get over it! She rejected my crazy plan to defeat 2000 miles ... She said she had somewhere to be every day of the week ... that at first made me suspicious, but then i realized not everyone gets only 8 hrs a fuckin week ... and i think she works full-time or salary-type job .. a mon - fri job ...which sux fer my crazy planning, since i work weekends ... *shakes fist at the Universe* ... im being told to Quit Carls Jr, to find a better job .. I hav an application to Starbucks in my pocket, and an Application to Petsmart on my desk ... i think i should prolly go n do that...?

Or maby jus follow up wit my insane idea to get a job at every Carls Jr in the area... They dont havta train me, and it'll really piss Ivan off!

Oh as it turns out, Carls Jr is a west-coast deal .. but a place called "Hardy's" has the same exact uniform, logo, and menu as Carls Jr ... Im pretty sure they are the same company. So if youv heard of this "Hardy's" place, then that, in essence, is where i work ...

I think im in a 'confuzed' part of my life. Alot of things just changed, alot of newness ... I havnt adapted fully yet, so i dont really kno what to think ... Love Lacey? Try fer Emma? Keep Looking? Jump?? .... so, as with most giant-problem/decision-thingys, ill jus sit tight and watch the world pass me by ... then, when things clear up, ill go n bitch about how all my opportunities disappear and how im stuck-in-a-rut all the tyme .... Yep, sounds like a plan :D

Actually, tomarrow, im gonna wake up and decide. Permanent, final, un-alterable. I need to stop being so indecisive, since i actually think thats what my true problem is. Im gonna start acting, doing what I feel, w/o any questions, w/o any help or advice ... i mean, ill take good advise n all, but i wont insist on getting it, i wont ask fer it unless its really-high-quality advice ... ya know what, i think thats a really good plan. Im gonna win, im going to beat me... I know im good enough to defeat my short-comings and fulfill my most-awesome potencial! Oh yes, this idea feels quite sweet ... *this may end up in my fav's .. or one'a the follow-ups* especially since the "Dominant" trigger worked ... If i can tap into this, i can become so very awesome ... hehehe .... *huggles God* I know he had somethin to do with this ... Check out the bible-quotes below ... im gonna update them when i post ...

And speaking of which, im gonna do jus that!

Nitenite fer now!!

Hav a really sweet day!

For some strange reason I feel that no matter who reads this, I Love You ;)

maby iv lost it? or found it??

NiteNite

*huggles*

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