2002-07-05 @ 11:27 p.m.
Fatigue & Loneliness

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Well, i hav 2 days of shit i did, and two days of rant-fuel ... I hope im asleep by 2am

Well, as i may hav said, the first day was lame ...

Me n Ricky stayed up till 3pm .. chat-poon ... I learned alot .. every tyme I get deliriously tired I learn a fundamental truth of the Universe. I leanred one ... later rant .. we were correcting each others style, he had the "macho testosterone appeal" and I always knew the best wording, the best thing to say .. perfect blend .. we almost had a 15 yr old virgin pay fer his way to Concord... But it was 3am, and we knew we'd havta be awake AT 6am!!

And at 6:18 am i stumble out to the padio .. fsck that! ... so i eat

And eat n eat n do lots of heavy-lifting, since im the only one able to do shit like dat, and eat and eat and sunburn somemore in da pool.. and eat n eat .. Tv .. then home ...

I had a really fun time... i drove granpas trucks, the blazer and the giant dodge ram ... It turns out I like fast-cars, not big-trucks ... go figure?

first rant, I thought of it on the way home from Sonora... the stages of Addiction:

1.)Interest->

I get some kind of interest, a lil spark .. somethin on-topic will catch my eye, make me some varied level of curious, and so it'll quicky lead to the second stage ... unless I quickly find a small-yet-important reason to not-care.

2.)The Hunt->

I decide that the fleeting moments of happyness that this topic caused me arent enough, and that pursuit of this pleasure is worth my tyme.... so I start learning more.. I do everything, go everywhere, see everything that has any relation to the topic at hand ... read diarys, websites, comic stores .. anything... and either it use up all the alotted resources on my this.. or I allowcate more..

3.)Fevor->

At this point im blinded by my need .. feeding the addiction is why a wake up in the morning, and why i endeavor to sleep early that nite ... Its a recurrent thought, and frequent daydream, and usually a persistent nitemare ... it has become an influencing factor in the direction of my conceptual-reality-tunnel...

4.)Comfort

Now that I hav completely imbedded this into my life i feel pretty damn good .. i used my L337 skillz and made my mark, proved my point, got my fix .. and if done it in a way to kno it'll be there trm ...

5.)The End

thats it, the topic fades. It jus leaves my life as smoothly and quickly as it entered... usually this means i didnt hav the money fer APEC-5 bearings, flowers, a nice car, DSL, a plane ticket to the east-coast, membership fee, 10 euros per month .. whatever the cause, its somethin i cant fight, and I make sure not to try.

And nothing is as easy as the formula, some things disappear before i ever care enough to hunt, other tymes things wont leave, perpetually keeping me fixed in an awful position.

Life iz pointless, because it repeats that loop over n over agin. The only reason I havnt "Reset" yet is as I said, Lacey, family n friends ... Atonement is more a goal to keep me occupied, and one'a the main things I look forward to is another loop .. cuz maby this tyme i can change somethin?!

Emma shifted into Stage 5 today ... were friends, and thankfully she didnt tell me :D

I continue to be nice, tell her that in fact shes not fat and IS pretty ... ill still send emails n stuff .. but she wont ever like me, at least not enough to break the cycle. Jill was close, but the loop rebounded, she didnt hav a the fortitude, and I was still a stupid lil kid ...

Next rant...

If there was to be named one sustance or chemical that could be defined as the most evil substance, the curse of this planet, the single most important factor of the destruction of all that could be considered good... What would you think it be? Money? Gold? Petroleum? Opium? Cocaine? Pot? Alcohol? ... nope... those are mere symptoms of the true evil in this world.

Testosterone.

And now you prolly see why I said that .. all those less-evil things were created to appease the true evil!! They are all associated with males much more frequently than chicks, and fer good reason!

This wasnt the rant. This was the intro ... as it turns out, the world runs off of these things, all of them .. if you control one, you can influence the flow of others ... and thats the point Zeke missed--> Chicks dont care if you do! they are genetically wired to want an asshole! Their subconscious will be better-aligned with the fool that is 'macho' much sooner than they will someone who loves them! **Id laugh if im helping Zeke get poon... Id be pissed if it was Lacey tho** agin intro ... also, pheramones, your thoughts, postrure, attitude has bein scientificcaly proven to adjust the pH in your sweat and pheramones .. Happyness, Lust, Arrogance, Deseparateness, all can be smelt! Hav you ever wondering why one day that chick thats ok-looking in 3rd period might look real hot one day, and a week later she'll turn your stomach ... Yep... so after paying very close attention for about 8 months, iv figured out things from ppl, jus by that lil first impression i get right when im down-wind....

So now fer the new part ... normally im fairly submissive, ill fight for whats myne, but otherwise ill give up quick .. im not gonna waste my tyme fer nothing ... so when Ricky first walked in, i felt that "Dominant-Male" sensor ... i shifted into neutral .. the theme of the day was apathy, to save tyme n effort .. but yesturday n today, i realized, im stornger and im the older brother! so then, I, for what could be the first tyme, turn on "Dominant" .... holy shit... most of the day i was too tired to remember, the parts i do, i was either not-paying-attention or giving/relaying orders ... And i was the strongest present. Joan *granpas wife* said to mom *aunt gina* .. oh yea, hes very strong. <<-- some background info .. she would go down to new mexico, buy wild mustang and break them in to sell them ... she is fairly good at fitting the cliche'd "Grew up wit horses" .. i feared her, and she calls me 'very strong' ... i was stunned ...

No Emma online.. that sux'd .. Lacey came on, then quick left ... I almost cryed ... alot of things, within the past 6 hours, hav made me feel like crying .. some'a those sympathy-commercials almost did it!! .. they suck!! ... Lacey bolted so quick , tears well'd up in my eyes .. I felt awful ... plus she having trouble, some fool that may learn JUST who he picked a fight with, fucked with Laceys Yahoo! s/n ... See, bad move, cuz he directly threatened my contact with her. Very Bad Move. I havta be at work trm, else i would be on-my-way to see exactly how well machete sheers flesh ... *shakes fist at Ivan* I wonder if Lacey even read the diary .. i hope so, cuz if she bolted like that w/o readin it ... then i fear ...

It turns out I also managed to piss off Emma *mentioned earlyer* I didnt mean to, it was a stupid rant... I suck so bad i manage to upset ppl when tryin to describe how much better they are than me...? go figure? *i worded things wrong, said stupid shit, i fucked up, i kno, im not tryin to down-play it .. Im Sorry!* anywayz...

Im gonna take off my shirt alot ... ill get a tan quicker that way .. and if ppl dont like it, fuck them! Normally id feels very nervous n shit .. I was a lil at granpas, but I did switch on "Dominant" so the whole world seems to be an easyer place to live...?

I need piccy of me.. new onez .. Im really starting to hate the old onez .. every day they become less me ...

Oh yea, the money rant ...

Well, one'a the reasons i first could relate to jaclyn *earlyer entrys* was because it sucks havin to work .. every tyme i see the paycheck, kno its not enough for the tyme-period its covering, i want more hours ... every saturday morning i haul my sorry ass to work i wish i had less hours... It makes you resent money and everything it relates to .. its makes me resent my car .. I love my car; Ivan, work, and money are all turning me against it ... *Feels like crying.. tears agin* all im working for, everything im doing .. my goals n hopes n dreams.. why do they hav to hurt so much to obtain? Im really dreading work trm .. normally i dont like the uniform, its icky n kinda sharp in spots ... Last week i didnt hav my sun-burn. oh god this will suck! im think im gonna shower real quick .. i dont kno why ...

***done***

another back-order rant ..

i think iv done a sufficient job of introducing myself, descirbing to you all how i think/act; influences on me, daily shit i deal wit, n think n stuff .. now fer a fairly new section of rant

Things that you do/dont do around me. Quirks I hav, and the means to avoid them.

First, dont ever tell me "were jus friends" i cant stress this enough! It is the single most painful thing, it has direct relation to SO many heartaches ... And it a fscking lie anyways! Either like me, use me, or throw me any! dont put me on stand-by!

second, If you havnt guessed, i dont think or act anything like normal people, and alot of misunderstandings arrise when someone assumes that i do... You cannot apply stereotypes or formulas to my actions, and i cant read into the actions of others... I hav that 'common sense' thing .. like, logical n 'duh' kinda stuff .. but not to any great degree.... I cant remember where this came from, so i dont hav an example.. i hopefully made my point.. if you do want info tho, dont infer it, just ask! i wont lie! honestly!!

third, Dont lie to me! Id rather hear whatever painful awful truth you claim to hav than to deal wit a bunch of bull shit. Plus it'll help your cause, ill be much more pleasant to you if you do, since i kno that you did trust me enough to tell the truth... it displays character.

and if i think of anymore of them, then i will post then ... i hav one'a those 'major-life-issues' to discuss .. it pre-dates jill n jorey n could hav fscked me up worse ... ??? you'll see..

jeff is IM'ing me, i want sleep, but i hav work to do, n work trm .. how come he can be annoying one day, fun the next day, and not change anything on either of those dayz ... i think its me.. maby im manic-depressive ... i was surprized when i had that many symptoms listed in the psych book.. more than the others?!?

I really feel bad about Emma... but at the same tyme.. too many obsticales.. i mean, 2000 miles, and were both pretty stuck in the lives weve chosen, i kno id feel to guilty to ask her to come here, and i think its vice versa, plus im sure as hell not leaving CSUS, yet ... and im sure thats vice versa too ... and were both emotionally dependant people, so a long-distance thing would prolly hav us both dead of stress before winter... I still havta figured out how to rip a hole thru Space n Tyme fer purposes of travel... i will if i keep at it long enough... i got 300'ish years ... i jus hope its not too late by then ... its also the same sort of dilemma/case with Lacey, in 5 years id be ALOT easyer to try anything, but for totally different reasons ... Maby Becky was right, i just need to somehow figure out social-skillz .. trial-n-error iz the only thing i can think of .. i really fear the consequences of 'error' tho ... because irl, there all within slapping distance ...

Damn, nothing works out, ever ... Im destinyed for a life of lameness...

But at least i hav alot of new thoughts n thoerys to test... and I hav a really coolies place to type the results, it dont hav to remember what I stand for n believe in anymore.. saves disk-space ...

I hav alot of HTML i want to play wit, some updates to do ... Im gonna hav Rickys new puter here while hes back in west virginia prepping to move ... im gonna make it a coolies-puter... im gonna use all my L337 skillz on it, to make it sweet!! plus im gonna steal some programs from his puter, and put alot of stuff from myne onto his ...

well, im running out of awakeness.. 3 hrz means i misseed 7... and the only two thoughts that semms to come to mind, I Love Lacey; Emma's cute ... and then i feel really icky n guilty n stuff fer liking two chicks at once ... i like them in different ways, obviously, i doubt one would even want to take the place of another ... im really fscked up .. im seriously considering getting that Gold memebership, n going on a binge-HTML week so i hav coolies script ... then having my diary as one'a those Advertised diarys ... actually, i doubt they'd take my diary .. too much.. me.

*Spends 15 mins wallowing in guilt n self-pity*

See, i suck ... this is pathetic.. I need to talk to Lacey .. I had this really awesome last-resort plan, perfect counter for Zeke's position n Ryan's last-resort .. but i need to do some recon first ... And I wanna talk to Emma to make sure wheater or not she hates me ... id prefer if she still liked me, but id prefer either to not-knowing..

Im curious on how work will go .. new plans, new outlook, less sleep, more food... less to live for...

Im really afraid that Laceys gonna leave me .. its jus that scared lil gut-feeling ... shes gonna try fer sure, but she may actually go thru wit it ... I dont want her gone, Id miss her too much .. but my whole past, all of it, is disappearing .. this chapter of my life is closing, and the page is turning, taking everything i know with it.. I miss being small.. too stupid to realize this world iz evil.. too cared-for to realize theres no point to living .. bein feed, clothed, sheltered, transported, and with no worry about what trm may bring ... I miss simplicity. I want somethin to go easy, smoothly .. I want to win for once without having to take the victory... If I got Lacey, that'd be sweet! If I got Emma, That'd be sweet in an almost opposite way ... I had a thick wave of nostalgia at granpa's Sonora house .. so many memorys .. maby thats why im getting so emotional tonite .. like that lil retaining-wall was worn thin .. and im too tired to fite ...

The debate on wheater or not I should tell everyone i kno about this is heatting up .. I hav nothing to lose, i mean, who cares if they see?? they'll prolly bitch some, of course, but if they're my friends i kno they'll stay .. But i dont want to deal with that, i dont want ppl to kno at all, except it serves to easily scare away ppl who arent worth my tyme ... Too many conflicting ideas ... makes me wish i was dumber kinda, so i wont be able to think to objectively .. instead id choose one side, being too stoopid to understand and accept both points of view, then i could go about my life acting on my preset beliefs, never having to worry, because, agin, im too stoopid fer far-sightedness or for dealing with consequences.. so if things do go worng, since im stoopid i could easily blame it on someone whos only visible flaw to me is that they are different, therefore, they are the reasons bad things happen to me ... this lovely ignorant view seems strangely more enjoyable than reality, because in reality i can view both sides and i could easily achieve their goals .. and when bad things happen, i can put the blame on the person most responsible, which, sadly enough, is Me... because i still dont hav the foresight or experence to deal wit common problems ...

Another reason i feel lame; I hav no real problems.. my family knows when to leave me be, i hav frineds, a career jus waiting fer me, a current job, a car, and more genius than anyone could ever get the full use out of ... theres only one problem i hav, and its lame and self-inflicted ... no one loves me

Well, theres ppl who are keeping me here, and they only managed to do that because they said they love me ... But no one has the capability to truly, blindly, n insanely reciprocate my amounts of affection ... no one ... so im stuck, knowing that anyones who ever speaks does so without knowing what there saying ... I wish ppl could feel what i feel... the intenscity of each emotion, yet so quicky to fade into a vague memory ....

Lacey has said, on i think numerous occasions "If only you knew how i felt" type stuff ... quite the opposite! i would never wish such a dull'd sense on someone, unless they were in pain, which i think also was the case ... She, i dont think she can really walk-in-other-ppls-shoes ... Im so fuckin driven to her.. blind to all hazards n consequences, insane for even trying .. yet i do, so much ... she says she cares, she implys its alot, even to point of matching and/or beating myne .... No. not possible. Some nights iv bein so close to breaking down, right there ... not crying, but walking .. walking for the 2 months itd take to get there ... And the only reasons i didnt, cuz she said no **shes say, i do** and i knew if i started, i wouldnt stop till i arrived, or till i was dead ... and since i dont hav that much in my ATM, plus that 1400 miles worth of un-coolies mugger/killer-evil ppls to deal wit... and i damn well cant kill 'em all! so yea ... Im quite frequently "over-the-top" .. i over-do things like this ... Which also ties into the cycle^^ ever-increasing amounts of crazed-fervor, until things jus .. stop. I know iv found "The One" when there no 'stop' .. there no cooling point, no waiver or break... and when she can actually return the same amount of affection. And that why im screwed too, cuz she doesnt exist. well, maby some funky-fat-girl might be nutty enough to supply that kind of deranged level of emotional stimulation, but see, another feature i added, it ties to that "i dun like lieing" thing ... i havta be able to look her in the eyes, and truthfully tell her I love her and that she beautiful, perfectly and most awesomely beautiful ... and that combo definetly doesnt exist ...

Now, im wondering, will anyone try to claim that im wrong? well, they better come with enough proof to dispel 12 years of tragity. ... im so very tired .. my eyes close n my head falls forward as im typing .. weird ..

I just thought to call Emma .. but I dont kno if im allowed or who'd that piss off ... but still .. i really wanna ... *Thinks fer awile*

Well, I dont really hav tyme, and its 4am there .. and i never asked about this .. so the conclusion would be 'No" ??? she said that one'a those numbers would reach her 'anytyme' the other 'AFTER 7' ... both apply ... unless she meant 7am, which i doubt ... she said family was out-of-town .. till when? if they were gone now.. then i would hav .. but now i dunno .. *Thinks somemore* Her diary was no help .. she was meeting her family friday ... at where> when? how? .. damnit ... I wish i had thought of this .. i usually comfirm crazy-latenite plans .. i fergot, and now im caught between desire and qualms ... damnit! i totally should'a thought of that!

well, i can go offline n not lose my diary entry .. so ...

*comes back online*

i chickend out .. i cant, not knowing that shes pissed at me, and that ill only be making it worse ... plus i need sleep! its 2am!! I didnt get to my uber-rant ... oh fscking well, it'll make its way, prolly trm ...

I Love You all

*huggles tightly*

NiteNite fer now!!

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