2002-06-29 @ 9:50 p.m.
what party?

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well, today was pretty interesting actually.

I woke up after having a really sad dream. I could hav made it a novel if i could remember all of it. It was a tragic garou love-story .. it was SO sad. I cryed. but anyways ...

I was grumpy cuz i didnt want to wake up, especially after that dream, so i was all "grr!" then i workd fer 4 hrz..

There hav bein hot chicks EVERYWHERE i go today! this new girl Leann *i think, wasnt looking at name-tag* is way to pretty to be working fast-food .. she should be working at JCPEnney or Gap or somethin...

Got home, no one came to the fscking party! that pissed me off!! so i ate till i got sic, then played Risk...

Ricky is gonna come live in California, so ill get to see him more often.. coolies indeed!

He went to go visit granpa.. me, jeff jordan and Bre *Jordans g/f* all went to go places.. we went to Carls Jr, the mall, the bank, Starbucks *fer applications*, then to this park to feed Bre's horses n to play on the play-set .. then we dropped jordan off at Game, then she dropped me at home, since I need my internet fix ... ack fer me tonite, and im gonna go to her home, maby somethin cool will happen there... Did i mention, hot chicks, everywhere!

I really wish Lacey emailed me.. I really really miss her ... even if she emailed jus to say "ya, i got ur email, so fscking what?" id still be happy...

No one else is online .. im gonna be here awile tho, so maby that'll change...

Ok, im really pathetic .. im read Laceys friends diary fer my fix now .. worst part, i picked the wrong one .. Her name is jaclyn, but since i dont recognize that name from anyones diary im assuming she has a nickname i dont kno about .. so anyways, i read this diary, and it puts me in my place .. i only hav to worry about 2 things, $2000 fer car insurance, and getting my grades in college .. she has, like 1000 things to worry about .. plus david sounds like an asshole, and even tho i seem to use this line alot, it fits so many places;:: I prolly dun like him cuz I can see the worst of him in me. Thank God me n jill didnt get married... My past iz her present.. and i fear her problems got so bad as to leave her las entry at early june ... i really hope she gets her phone back so i can find out whats going on w/ her... im so very curious ... but oh well...

Im gonna call Lacey trm.. im spending my meager 8-hrz a wk paychecks on the fscking phone-bill, but i HAVE to talk to her .. i think im losin it!

As i said, bout 12'ish im goin w/ jordan to bre's fer da nite ... ill use jeff to screen the sluts out of the group, so that i can fail w/o trying :D

I was about to say "long story" but i got tyme...

Jeff dates sluts, every chicks hes bein with has gone far w/ more ppl more often .. theys hoes ... so basically, my policy is to not date anything hes bein with. Which iz a good policy! but the other facet to that, he gets with them, i dont. Then, since he got w/ them, i lose all interest, and all ambition to get w/ them ... *im mean b/f=g/f, not poon* so that basically means, i get nothing... It sux, and it plays so very well into my "im worthless, pathetic, non-social, unworthy, etc.." view of da world, since theres no positive reinforcement of any contrary belief. Oh, and fsck you if you thinks telling me im good works. It doesnt. That only keeps things from getting worse. If i was given proof of my value, then sure, id believe you .. but at the same tyme, fsck that! cuz i dont want a pity-relationship... that is further, and un-deniable proof that i suck... geez .. i type alot... so yea, im goin to bre's gonna watch jeff get his hands on a slut... i guess it isnt as pathetic as sobbing over the IM window wishing for jus one msg ... plus they'll prolly be a movie on.. i like movies ...

I shall use my L337-HTML skillz on my site laters, since iv bein typing fer more than an hour now ... if i remember more, you'll prolly get it trm, so fsck you!

Why do I feel this way? I dont feel good inside. Maby I need sleep, but I feel all un-happy inside. Like there no reason to move, no reason to care. One final sleep will finish this horrible nitemare.... Too late tho, i already told bre's i was comin, and i dont want to deal wit ppl tellin me I should hav come anywayz ...

*shakes fist, at that same unrelenting force that alwayz strives against me*

im finished, i hope...

I typed too soon .. for some strange reason, i quickly told Nikki *thats why i asked* bout the diary ... i knew that if i gave myself any tyme to think, then i wouldnt ever do it ... I kinda feel good, i beat my paranoia :D .. but it always wins, cuz now i cant trust her, she has too much against me...

Why cant things be simple? I can trust simplicity.

fsck the world...

nitenite fer now

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